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Thinking Man
Thinking Man
Green Juices

My Story

So now comes the time to go deep into the relationship I had with my ex, and how it affected my Mental Health.

 

As opposed to the other chapters, I feel that I am going to have to lay out the whole sorry mess. You don’t have to read this if you don’t want to, but I think it will demonstrate how much of an effect this can have on a man’s mental health and stability. After all, you’re going through your own personal hell right now, and the last thing you probably want to do is read somebody else’s struggle. But it may help you spot the pitfalls. I’ve spoken to quite a few men on forums who have instantly gone on the defensive when I’ve recommended seeing a doctor to help them, so there is clearly a stigma about going to the doctor or admitting that you’re struggling. This is most definitely not the time that you need to be putting up a masculine front. If I had seen the doctor sooner, I have absolutely no doubt that I would have handled things a lot better.

 

First of all, I should explain why it’s taking me so long to complete this website. It’s simple really. Pain. I initially planned to be well and truly done by now. I was flying through the main subjects, and just needed to do some further research on subjects I hadn’t gone in depth with. I was happy and productive. I had a newfound sense of purpose. Work had been less intense. The anti-depressants had kicked in. And I felt that this project was a healthy and important way to talk about what I’d been through whilst helping others.

 

But…

 

The last couple of months I have REALLY struggled to motivate myself to write anything. And I think it’s because whilst writing this guide, I’ve kept wounds open that would have healed far more quickly by now. I seem to have gone deep within myself. Every day I woke up and thought about something my ex had said or done. Or wondered if she was moving on with her life. What she was up to. If she’s with someone else already. I’d drive into work and a song would come on that reminded me of my ex, and I’d laugh (because I forced myself to) and make a snide comment to myself. When I got home and the nights drew in my mind would wander to her, me, and everything that happened. I still do but it’s now becoming far less of an emotional affair, and more my brain processing the trauma of it all and filing it away somewhere deep I think.

 

So I decided to take a break. The amount of times I’ve taken a shower, or made a cup of tea, and something has clicked in my head and I’ve thought I should write this down, and not done so. They’ve been countless!

 

But it has now got to the stage that I have to get all this stuff out or I am going to burst. I need other people to know what I went through. I need other men to know that other men have suffered and are suffering, and that they are not alone. The circumstances will be different in each case, but I have absolutely no doubt from reading online forums and comments in Facebook Groups, that you will be able to relate to at least some of it. I’m afraid that there’s a lot to get through, and it’s not going to be a short explanation. But I feel it’s important that you know everything, so you can see where everybody’s heads were at. Or maybe I’ll just delete this whole damn thing once I’ve typed it out.

 

Part of me worries that I am going to come across as completely insane and insecure, but please bear in mind that this was nearly a year of being treated like a friend instead of a lover. And there were way too many small things to be able to remember them all or list them chronologically, so I am jumping to big things in quick succession. This was a long, drawn-out affair where I had no idea what was going on with her most of the time. I worry that you will judge me harshly for the way I reacted to certain things. I certainly hope not. Because I did my absolute best with the tools and knowledge that I had at the time, and I am eaten up with guilt, shame, pain, and anger over the whole thing. I want to say up front that although I was a little bit shakey at the start with trust, that I very quickly became extremely secure and trusting because I always believe people until they give me reason to believe otherwise. I always judge people by my own standards. It was only when certain behaviours started to happen all at once that I started to get suspicious, and it was very much down to lack of communication on her part, and a vibe that I was feeling. Anyway, I need to get all of it out, and I need to put it all somewhere. My side of the story. Might as well be here where it might help other people avoid the same pitfalls...

 

PLEASE BEAR IN MIND THAT THIS IS ONLY MY SIDE OF THE STORY AS I PERCEIVED IT, AND THAT MY EX SEEMED TO GO THROUGH A VERY EXTREME MENOPAUSE. SHE ALSO HAS A LOT OF CHILDHOOD ISSUES THAT SHE HAS CLEARLY NOT GOTTEN OVER. CHOOSING INSTEAD TO AVOID CONFRONTING HER ISSUES HEAD ON.

Pre-Menopause

Our relationship was smooth. Super-smooth! We met online and instantly bounced off one another in conversation. I think we had swapped numbers within around 20 minutes. I hadn’t been sure of her as her pictures weren’t great. Her first picture had two women in it, and the second was at a weird angle. If I’m honest, I was hoping she was the blonde. She wasn’t. But I liked the way she seemed to be with her daughter in the other pic. Caring. Then when I actually met her I was blown away. I thought she was gorgeous! She had a sparkle in her eye and was very laid-back and easy to chat to. She was also a lot of fun to be around, and to talk to. We kissed a lot and I kept pushing for more because I quite frankly couldn’t control my passion. Our first date was 21st December, and as she didn’t have her 8-year-old daughter for Xmas that year, I stayed over on our second date, which was Christmas Eve. It just happened to be her birthday on Xmas Day so we parted ways while she went to see her friends and family, and I honestly didn’t want to go (as opposed to being desperate to leave normally). Her place was scruffy. Lots of random junk everywhere. Dishes piled up in the sink. Dirty dishes in the bedroom. This became a constant throughout. I learned to accept that this was how she was.

 

She then invited me over to her friends for New Years Eve and I had a great time. It was a bit weird. Some of her friends were a bit stiff and I was surprised when one of them got in my face over us cuddling whilst her daughter M was there, but they seemed to be a decent enough bunch. They were clearly very relaxed about drugs as I learned quite a few people were on something. As I had recently left the military, I found this a little unnerving too.

 

From there, our relationship progressed quickly and naturally. I had met her daughter New Years Eve, and as she didn’t spend much time at her Dad’s we had no choice but to ease myself into their life gently. Most of the time I saw my ex was while M was at an activity or at her Dad’s, but it soon got to the stage that it was impractical to continue pretending to just be Mummy’s friend. We started to spend weekends as a family. My ex would have a Mummy/Daughter night every Friday night, so I would stay home and have a few drinks and chill. Saturday M would be at her Dad’s or we would all hang out, and watch a movie together in the evenings. Sunday’s we would have a roast or brunch, and often went out for the day somewhere. My kids got on with her kid. Everything just happened really quickly and naturally.

 

We had one little bust-up. We went out together to see a local covers band that she liked. Her friend knew people in the band and lived close, so we met up with her and her husband and had a few drinks, then went to the bar. Her husband was a bit quiet and wasn’t overly communicative. I tried to drop a few jokes, and I apparently told him about an encounter I’d had years earlier with a girl. I don’t recall what it was, but I found out after our breakup that he hadn’t appreciated it. I said to my ex, does he not like that kind of bloke humour? She said I share too much too quickly with people I’ve just met. But that’s just the way I am. Very open and honest.

 

Anyway, she had either recently told me she was bi-sexual, or it may have even been that night. As we were leaving she was talking to a short fairly attractive blonde. And she mentioned that she was friends with her and fancied her, and I didn’t take that particularly well. I think I said why don’t you f*&k off home with her then? We argued for a little bit having both had a skinful, and then both burst out laughing at the silliness of it. We talked about threesomes and agreed that neither of us wanted to share each other with somebody else. Which I was pleased with. Looking back, I can’t remember if she had told me there and then that she was bi, or earlier. But it was a bit weird to know that you had competition on both sides.

 

After that everything was smooth sailing. I was told that I was doing an amazing job with her daughter as she has issues, and her Dad and his wife could be a bit funny with her, and she’d sometimes come back in tears. I can kind of see both sides of that whole thing. Main point to know is that M has a tendency to have emotional episodes where she can’t be controlled. If she lost at a board game she would have a complete and utter meltdown. My ex was so used to her that she would often be unsympathetic and it would often escalate into a screaming match. Tears, slamming doors etc. All pretty normal for a kid. However, she would sometimes end up in her room sobbing and hitting herself screaming that she was sorry. Another thing that would happen is that she would become overwhelmed. Especially if given choices to make. You could literally ask her what flavour lollipop she wanted, and she would freeze and go completely silent, and seem to curl inwards. She would stare down at the floor, and my ex would push and push for her to give an answer, until again, it would turn into tantrums on both sides. These events became less severe and less frequent once I was around, as I would often intercede. I’d sit with M and patiently talk to her about what was happening and how we could resolve the situation. I get it. When you’re dealing with a child you have to talk to them on a level that they can understand whilst not being condescending. I have two kids of my own. It was good to feel of value and to be able to help. My ex (B) seemed impressed and thrilled that I was so good with M and treating her like one of my own kids.  

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Apparently, I was the first one to say I Love You, and we must have had a conversation about this at some point. I can’t really remember, but I know my ex does. Which I’ll get into further along. After around six months she met my parents and they loved her. She was everything all of my other exes hadn’t been. She loved me for me. She accepted me as me. She treated both my daughters very sweetly, and seeing my youngest and her daughter, who are the same age giggling and playing together was lovely. 

 

We saw everything the same. Our communication was amazing. We would chat on the phone first thing in the morning, and lunch time, and would spend time together around 3 – 4 times a week as we lived in separate homes. She would leave little notes everywhere for me. If I stayed at hers, she would bring me a coffee in the morning and put it on top of a lovely note, or leave one near my stuff so I would see it before I left. When she stayed at mine, I’d get up and find a lovely handwritten note saying how amazing I was. I still have them somewhere. There is a massive pile of them somewhere that I have stuffed unceremoniously in a drawer somewhere. Shut away so I don’t stumble upon them by accident. They were extremely thoughtful. Often entertaining. And they were the kind of thing you hear about but don’t ever expect somebody to love you enough to do it for you. It seemed to be a family thing, as M would also write little notes. My eldest had nicknamed me Deano Grigiot as I likes a glass of wine in the evenings at the time, so I often got called that by everyone. Her notes were very sweet. Whether it was asking me to put the toilet seat back down, asking her Mum if she could sleep in her bed - or as I liked to tease her and play fight - to tell me how annoying I am/how happy she was spending time with me and Mummy. It was all very cute. And I felt that we made a really neat little family unit, and that this was what I had been looking for my whole life.

 

I’m not a big drinker anymore as I spent 25 years in the Navy and did more than my fair share of drinking. I prefer to have a few drinks at home and a toke on a Friday night. Since leaving I felt justified in enjoying the things I couldn’t do previously. I have a low tolerance for such things, so on most Friday nights, B would have a “girlie night” with M and I’d have a smoke and a drink to de-stress, and then go over Saturday and stay overnight, and we’d be a little family. I bought a big pile of board games, and some Nintendo Switch games for us to play, and after visiting a toy store with them and spotting some pretty cool looking Lego Star Wars sets, we started building little Lego sets every now and then. I started to collect some for myself too. She’d go out with her friends every now and then. I always found it strange that she’d arrange things on weekends which was our only opportunity to be together. But I got used to it and me and M would get a pizza and watch some kids movies. Again, she wasn’t the best at communicating whilst out, but we found a groove where I felt I could trust her and although I’d rather be spending time with her, I made sure M had a nice evening and didn’t miss her Mum too much. My initial issues with her going out were down to baggage from previous relationships. It’s tough working away knowing your partner is going out on the town. And in my late 20’s I had a fiancée who messed around when I was away. I explained this to her and she was cool about it, and made an effort to make sure I felt appreciated and safe.

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I decided to give her my red flags. I’m a firm believer in open communication and told her everything I though she should know. I believed I may have BPD. I had an intense fear of rejection, and my moods could be unpredictable. Never violent. I’d just occasionally have a rant about something that was getting to me. I just needed to vocalise my 5 or 10 minute rant and then I’d be back to normal if I was just left to it. I used to be wild when I was younger, and drank too much. Hence why I didn’t like going out clubbing as it was easy to get carried away. I’m not great with money. Another thing that people with BPD can struggle with. I used to be intensely self-destructive, but I had worked extremely hard on myself over the years to control myself. I would never stray towards suicide no matter how much I needed to, because when I was growing up I knew 2 people who had gone to that extreme and I’d seen the damage it did to the people around them. So no matter how low I felt, I wouldn’t allow myself to ever do it. Even if I felt that way.

 

She was cool with it all. She’d seen me lose my temper over small things and agreed that I didn’t act like a monster and as M’s Dad had BPD and ADHD and I was nowhere near as bad as him, she was happy that she could continue with me. She was actually impressed with how I controlled myself. Although she did think I actually had ADHD and that I should go to the doctors and get a proper diagnosis. I said I would when I had time, but as I’d recently left the Navy and started a new job I needed to get my new life together first. And that was that. I asked about her red flags and she said very little if I recall correctly. I think she briefly brought up that it took her a while to commit, but that was about it. I really should have pressed her on this. I have since been to the doctors and she was right. I am awaiting a diagnosis of ADHD. I’m 99% sure that this is the case.

 

After around six months, I decided I wanted this woman to be in my life forever. I had a decent chunk of change from my Navy payout I got for time done, so I bought a really nice diamond ring that I thought she would like and decided on the day I was going to ask her to marry me. I had shopping bags full of candles as she loves Friends and I wanted to propose intimately at home with them all lit, like the Chandler and Monica scene.

 

That day I went out to a Manor House with her and M, and I dropped a couple of hints that she immediately picked up on. She basically then and there said to not do it. We talked later and she said she wasn’t ready. She wanted us to move in together for 2 years and then maybe we could. She had been engaged before and wanted to be sure. Fair enough. I was a bit hurt by this and remember driving back while the radio was playing some song about a guy wanting to marry a woman and was close to tears, but I turned my head to look out the window and said nothing. I now had a £1,200 ring to return and asked her if she wanted to see what I’d picked before I returned it. She was hesitant but eventually took a look and loved it. She said it was exactly right. And that was it…for a short while. Probably a few weeks. Maybe a month. I don’t recall.

 

Anyway, she started mentioning the ring and hinting that maybe it hadn’t been such a bad idea etc etc. And once I realised that she really did want this, I got on one knee and asked her and she said yes. Then we went out to get the ring. They didn’t have that one, but she went for one the same shape that was much cheaper. I remember the Woman in the jeweller remarking that she was definitely a keeper. Implying that most women would insist on one the same price as the previous one. And we were completely happy for around a year and a half.

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Another thing that happened was that I woke up in my apartment with her getting dressed in the early hours of the morning. I asked her what she was doing, and she told me that she was getting ready for work. I told her what time it was and she got back into bed. This was how I found out that she is a sleepwalker. She also talks in her sleep. It seemed kinda cute at the time…but a little scary. I worried that she might injure herself. What else? I found out that she had been around the block quite a lot. I was fine with this. As a former sailor, I’ve been a bit like that myself. I also found out that she used to have a lot of issues with alcohol and drugs. And that she had been addicted to weed for a long time. She apparently used to be very overweight so was on a strict Keto diet. Lot’s of weird and wonderful food combinations. But she knew what to order for a takeaway so it was rarely an issue. She already knew what each place sold and what would suit her. I did feel that it wasn’t totally healthy as she regularly got cramps in her legs, had issues with her knees, and her hip would lock. I wondered if the diet might be having an impact on her well-being, but she was very stubborn about things like that and basically wouldn’t entertain the idea. I think that’s about all the red flags I was told about or saw.

 

Speaking of the weight. That NYE party we went to? The same friends invited us over another time to watch Glastonbury. It was a strange vibe. The husband (S) kept flicking the channels over. I’d say this sounds cool, and flick. We’d be onto a different artist halfway through the song. I couldn’t work out if he was doing it deliberately to piss me off. Maybe as they’re dance fans it just wasn’t their thing. But then he did something I thought was really strange, and it actually pissed me off. Halfway through he just randomly put on their wedding video, and pointed out my ex. She was very big, and he joked that I was probably shocked. I found this extremely cruel, especially when I knew the woman I loved had suffered so much over her weight in the past. I said to her I thought it was out of order when we got home, and she just said he was joking. I STILL don’t think it was funny, and quite frankly, with friends like that!

 

In fact, her friends were all a bit weird. Her “best” friend (R) came over my place to pick Molly up to babysit one time and barely acknowledged my existence, even though I was welcoming. She was talking to my ex and seemed to be intent on just talking to her and M as if I wasn’t even there. If it was the other way round I would have made a ton of effort with the GF of one of my pals.

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My ex had to go to a work thing around 3 hours away at one point. They were staying overnight and having a drink in the evening, and I remember calling her because M was really missing her, and R answered the phone and spoke to M for ages. Almost as if she was deliberately making sure I couldn’t talk to B. I could hear B laughing and chatting in the background with some men, and I just thought put me onto my GF you prick. I think she even said she’d get B to call me back. Weird and deliberately shitty. My ex did call me back and she video called me from her hotel room. Which helped me massively. It was the first time she had gone out partying without me, and I just needed a tiny bit of reassurance that I could trust her. Trust has to be earned after all. Another time, we met them out, and I remember sitting watching my ex whilst sat next to R, and having had a few beers, I said I feel so lucky to have her. She said I wouldn’t know, I’ve always been the best looking one in relationships. If it was the partner of one of my friends I would have said that’s lovely. Nope! Just a shitty remark. She seemed to be jealous of how close I was with my ex, or disapproving of me.

 

I never stopped her seeing her friends. If we could do things together, then that was perfect, but if it was a girl’s night out, I’d offer to babysit.  Let me just put that there, because it does become relevant later.

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We spent a Xmas at the town where I grew up and had a lovely time together as a cute little family. Two things happened that put a dampener on it. The first thing was that a day or two before we left, we’d had drunken sex and she had dried up a bit during and chafed me badly. So I was out of action for a while. I suspect this was perimenopause kicking in. I kept apologising for not being able to sleep with her and she said it was fine, and that it was actually really nice for us to be intimate in other ways. The second thing was that she was dancing about messing about in the street and slipped in the ice, and landed on her back, banging her head. I then spent around 6 hours in A and E with her. I wanted to make sure that she was okay. I missed out on seeing some family members as we had to cancel plans. I also got a kitten for my Mum for Xmas and we ended up getting one for her too. The kitten was instantly loved, but also meant that she spent less time at mine as she didn’t want to leave him home alone for too long.

 

She had started mentioning the menopause as her periods were becoming unpredictable. I kinda noticed but thought nothing of it. Sex could be cancelled last minute, and I’d be like, didn’t you have a period a couple of weeks ago? I was fine with it. I didn’t really understand menopause, but it didn’t seem such a huge deal to me. Apparently once it ended, we wouldn’t have to worry about her getting pregnant etc. I think back now and wonder if the issues with her joints were the beginnings of perimenopause.

 

She had a cyst on an ovary and after about a year and a half had a date to get it sorted. They were going to remove the ovary, and as she thought her other ovary didn’t work properly it was highly possible that the menopause would kick in. Again not really understanding it, I was like get it done. She was often in pain and I felt it best that she sort out anything problematic now before it got worse. I really REALLY loved this woman. I wanted nothing but the best for her. I worried about her health.

 

I remember dropping her at the hospital and wandering around this small village bored shitless. I bought her some chocolates and a book to read as she’d be off her feet for a few days. I remember the nurse being impressed by how thoughtful I was. I drove slowly and carefully back and looked after her. Taking some time off work to make sure I could be there for her. I tried to stop her from moving a muscle if it was something that I could do.

Broken Concrete

Peri-Menopause

A Steady Decline.

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Now I can’t remember when this happened – our second bust-up. but I suspect it was after she had had the operation. We had to lay off sex for a few weeks, and she had been less enthusiastic afterwards. Now this woman was unique. She had an extremely powerful pelvic floor. When we had sex, I’d have to push extra hard to stay inside her because she came a lot and very hard. It would push me out if I didn’t concentrate. It was that powerful. I liked it. I always knew when she came, and she came a lot. I felt like a sex god! I put most of the emphasis on forepay as I really enjoyed getting her to this state and I’m not a big fan of being pleasured too much myself. I like things to last and for us both to really enjoy it. And we did it a lot. It was difficult as she had a small flat and a pre-teen. So we often had to have sex at bedtime. Her daughter would often not be able to sleep and come into the living room, so that was out. And she had a lock on the bedroom door to stop her walking in on something. M’s Dad had been playing up so she wasn’t staying over there much. So yes, this took away any spontaneity from our sex life. But I figured that’s life! I should also add that she now had this thing where she’d get upset if I came to bed and put the lock on the door. She wanted it to feel like it wasn’t a given thing. So I’d have to kiss her and if it led to something, I’d have to get up naked into the cold air and put the lock on the door. Weird, but I accepted it. At this point the sex was becoming less frequent anyway.

 

Since the operation, sex had been different. They had apparently cut away a lot of scar tissue, and whether it was that, or the perimenopause starting, when she came, it was nowhere near as powerful as it used to be. She used to say things like I think you touched my soul after a good session. Now she mentioned that she had talked to R and they both agreed that middle-aged men must be particularly frisky as they both thought their men needed sex too much. I found this strange as she had always thoroughly enjoyed our sex life and never complained. Although later, when we got into the menopause stuff, she told me that R didn’t like having sex with her husband any more. She just did it to avoid an argument, and that she wished she could do that for me but just couldn’t do it.

 

One incident in particular was a bit of a shock to me. She had come round my place once and left her scarf on the side instead of hanging it up. I have a bit of a mischievous side, so I said that’s not where that goes. And we played a little game where I came across controlling. I tied her up with the scarf, and she loved it. We talked afterwards and she admitted that she liked that kind of thing. I said well we can do it every now and then, but it’ll lose its thrill if we do it all the time. She agreed. She also mentioned that when I was horny there’d be a certain look in my eye that she found irresistible. Once I knew this, I would use it every now and then. She never complained, unless it was late. “Stop looking at me like that!” Me – “like what?” Cue giggles and then sex.

 

Then one day I felt like doing something similar and tried to instigate another fun bondage session. She totally freaked out. She said I was acting creepy and I felt completely blindsided. After this, I eased back on anything kinky. I’m not the kind of man to make the same mistake twice. At the time I couldn’t work it out, but obviously in hindsight, she either wasn’t feeling it and made me feel shitty to cover up her own issue, or her past traumas had kicked in and she took it out on me. These ways of avoiding culpability seemed to become a pattern.

 

Anyway, the excuses started. Too tired. It’s very late, etc. She woke up sweating profusely regularly. Again, I didn’t understand it much. It was only when the sex really dried up that we went into it. I genuinely can’t remember when the bust-up happened but I think it was around this time. I remember feeling quite self-conscious at the time, and we went to one of her work-do’s. She had switched jobs and R had got her a job at her company. As you know, there had been some work conventions and nights out where she had gone away for things and had a few drinks, and I had babysat her daughter. Initially it made me a little wary. I didn’t really know these people and when she had a beer she sometimes didn’t bother texting until later in the evening. I had issues from a past relationship, and I worked very hard to ensure I got over them.

 

So far her symptoms were night sweats, lack of libido, depression, anger, and tiredness. Fair enough! It was to be expected. But…there was another symptom that REALLY made things worse. Remember I said she was a sleep walker/talker? Well now it got worse. I found her in the kitchen with her phone. I found her on the toilet with her phone. I’d wake up with her on her phone in bed. I don’t know about anybody else, but this made me extremely uncomfortable. When she’d wake up talking, I’d listen hard to try and work out what she was saying. She really did make me start to feel like she was up to something. Which was extremely frustrating for me. I am a very trusting person once my trust is earned. I needed to trust her, but she wasn’t putting out and I kept finding her on her phone or heard her saying weird stuff in the middle of the night.

 

At this stage I learned to take care of myself sexually. I would chat to some pretty girls in the smoking area, but refused to allow any boundaries to be crossed. I would not flirt. I would fantasise of course. It was the only thing keeping me going. But I hated it. It felt like a betrayal to even think of other women. I eventually stopped this because it wasn’t healthy. I basically started to get the urge a lot less and just took care of myself when I could no longer contain it.

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So this night... For a while now she had been talking and talking about this guy G since she started her new job. R had got her the job, so they were now thick as thieves. He had a similar sense of humour to her. He was her boss. And it bugged me a little bit that she kept bringing him up. I had met him at one of the nights out where I met her work buddies and I thought he was very cheesy. Drank too much and made stupid jokes. You know the guy. The David Brent type. So THIS night they’re all dancing on the dance floor and I felt a bit left out. I got up to dance as a song came on that I actually liked. I am not a dancer, and I am very very self-aware about dancing. But I knew the moves to this one and figured as this guy was dancing like a c&*t, then I’d do the same. But halfway through the song she left me on the dance floor. This cut me deeply. I appreciate that I’m not an amazing dancer, but the other guy danced like a fool, so why pull away like that? A bit pathetic I know, but that’s how it was.

 

We all got very very drunk, and I was telling one of her friends about something with my previous ex-fiance similar to what had happened and how it had me uncomfortable. She said why don’t I talk to her about it? I was like I will later. She said tell her now while you remember. So I thought yeah I will. She’s the love of my life. We talk about everything. It’ll be fine. So I walked over to her and she went to walk past me, and I asked if I could talk to her for five minutes, and she said no. I was like, come on, just a quick chat. Nope. I’m going over there with my friends. So I said why don’t you just go and fuck G then? And her friend who didn’t want to fuck her husband swooped in and took her to the toilet. G came over to me to tell me he was leaving so I told him good, f%$k off then, which surprised him. I told him he’d been all over my missus like a bad smell, and he was like, it's not like that etc. So I left. I think a lot of people would be pretty miffed if their fiancée spent most of their time giggling and laughing with their friends and ignoring them, and then refused to give them just five minutes of their time. But maybe not. I don’t know. I spent so much time working on myself to not allow my baggage to affect this relationship, that maybe I let things slide which I shouldn’t, or maybe I overreacted.

 

Oh man, she was mad when she got home because I had left her. I genuinely thought the best thing had been to defuse the situation and go home. I told her what I’d said to G the next day, and she was even madder. Apparently he didn’t remember so I was off the hook. We continued on and everything returned back to normal…for now. I think he was playing dumb because he knew exactly what he was doing. Older married guy, younger hot employee. He was the same with all of them, and if it really was just genuinely friendship, fair enough.

 

Then we had a good couple of months where life went on as normal and we were as close as ever. I knew that this incident hadn’t been received well, so I worked extra hard to just continue being the best version of myself I could be. In my mind, the way I look at relationships is that every now and then, one of you will say or do something that upsets the apple cart, and provided you remain consistently decent and move on then it can be forgotten. There’s absolutely no need to keep score. B said that it was probably best that I wasn’t the only partner that went to her work nights out in future, and I was happy with that. I didn’t really enjoy clubbing anyway. I know that I’d proved that I was there for her, and although we had a couple of upsets, it wasn’t going to happen again. We were tight. We talked. We were in love. G was no longer her boss after a job shift, and we continued our perfect life. With less and less sex. She started looking tired. She was less playful. She didn’t sleep well. She was a bit more irritable. But we communicated well. Again, we’re talking a steady decline over months and months.

 

Then one day, she turned to me and said I can’t do this anymore. I was shocked…what do you mean? She said I can’t carry on pretending everything is alright. She said she was depressed. That she was pretending to be happy. That she was miserable and exhausted. My jaw dropped. She’d given no indication that she felt this bad. So we discussed her going to the doctor, who said it could be the start of perimenopause but just gave her anti-depressants. These seemed to make her even worse. She was short-tempered, apathetic, and barely there. After around two months or so, I begged her to talk to the doctor about HRT, as I’d started looking into it. Which she eventually did. We wasted those two months, so be wary! The doctor must have seen she’d just had an operation and known that HRT would be a better fit. Especially when you think that anti-depressants make you feel worse for the first 5 weeks or so. I should add that she then blamed the lack of sex drive on the anti-depressants. Apparently she had been on them in the past and they’d destroyed her libido. This wasn’t to do with her post-natal depression that I’d known about, but with another ex. News to me. Hadn’t heard about this before. Over time it would become common for her to drop info on an ex that I didn’t previously know. Usually to explain or justify that I didn’t have it THAT bad, or to explain weird behaviour during the menopause.

 

The next thing to happen was that she’d say she was too busy working late (from home), or too tired for me to come over. We had specific days we’d meet because M would be at her Dad’s or at Brownie’s. Now it felt as though she was avoiding me a bit. I should add that all these things I’m telling you built over a long period of time. Probably around 12 months altogether. So it was a slow and steady decline. She would no longer touch me, and if I went to touch her she would physically flinch. When I asked about it, she would say that her skin was sensitive and that she didn’t feel like any cuddling or intimacy. Which was strange because she’d shown me a post on a Facebook menopause group where the woman had said she just wanted to be cuddled without sex. I said I’m happy to do that, but she said I would expect more. I said not at all, but she wouldn’t let me touch her. She assumed that I’d try it on when by this stage all I wanted was to feel loved. She even started covering herself up in layers of clothes. She explained it was to ward me off. She told me a story about some ex who had creeped her out and she’d done the same. Looking back, I’m like, why the f$%k was she with him in the first place? This woman was a class A headf*%k!

 

I’d occasionally get her to let me cuddle her as I’d done some research that said maintaining some form of intimacy was important and would make a little mmm noise. The kind of noise you make when you’re enjoying the feeling of giving your partner a nice hug, and that was apparently creepy. I distinctly remember when she got her sex drive back and we were kissing and cuddling and she made exactly the same noise, and I said you just made that noise that you said was creepy and we laughed about it. It was like everything I did was awful, creepy, or perceived to be an attempt to get sex. It wasn’t. Ever! I just wanted to feel wanted and loved!

 

She sent M once to ask me to make her a cup of tea while she was in the bath. So I made one, and took it in to her, and she freaked out. Apparently this ex would walk in on her in the bath to ogle her. I had never walked in on her, and just assumed she was asking as she wanted a cuppa. No ulterior motive. I’d seen her naked enough times (and it was nothing special to look due to her extreme weight loss without exercise - there was a lot of extra skin). So we now had deep chats about where she was with the menopause. I did a lot of research online when I got the chance, and quite frankly, at this stage, I was starting to feel that I really needed to work out what the hell was going on. I devoted my evenings to looking up advice for husbands and partners. Barely anything! Plenty of advice for women.

 

She started saying things like - she wouldn’t judge me if I wanted to leave her as she felt bad that I was hurting over all of this. But there was absolutely no question in my mind. I’d made a commitment to this woman. She had a medical issue that was getting to her. I needed to be there for her. Whilst all this was going on, I had issues with my eldest child which I won’t go through in depth. I’d spent 18 years trying to see her and she was finally old enough to be able to come round and see me. She had moved in and her upbringing by her Mum had made things very difficult for me. If I tried to discipline her, she’d go over to her Nan’s so I couldn’t punish her. She really took the piss out of me, and I was worried about her smoking weed practically every day. There were a lot of arguments and the stuff that would come out of her mouth would be poison, making me feel even worse about myself. I paid for therapy for her. This did not help, and she’d often come back smelling of beer and I’d think did she actually go, or spend the money in the pub?

 

Also, work had bought another company, and we didn’t have enough staff to cover everything, so it was absolutely crazy every day. Extremely stressful stuff. Then my cat got ill. It cost me thousands at the vets to keep him alive.

 

So since May and the last great day in our relationship I remember (my birthday), things had steadily declined to the point that I was putting fires out whilst others started in every aspect of my life. And now the fun REALLY began!

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My self-esteem was now at rock bottom. I don't know how to describe how much things were getting to me. One moment I was living the life I had always wanted. A fiancee that I really truly loved more deeply than I had ever loved anybody. Because she loved me for me and made me feel completely safe. And then this complete stranger who seemed to resent my very existence. She wouldn't let me touch her. If I reached out to her she'd pull away or tell me off. If I gave her a compliment then she would turn it around on me. I would say she was looking gorgeous or sexy and she would tell me to stop, as it reminded her of how bad she looked. But I genuinely meant it. I genuinely loved her enough to look beyond all the changes in her appearance and personality. I just wanted to love her and be loved back.

 

She would say she'd put on weight. I'd say she looked hot. "No I don't." "Don't remind me. of my shortcomings" "It's all your fault I'm fat. You let me eat food that's bad for me. " Nothing I said or did was right. I’d ask if she wanted me to come over mine or if she wanted me to come over hers, and she would say “up to you”. Not what you want to hear from your fiancée at all!  I started to look critically at myself. Is it something I’m doing? Is it my teeth? My beard? Maybe I’m not skinny or muscular enough. Maybe I’m just not fun to be around anymore. I’d come over and it was like we were roommates. She’d let me cuddle her briefly and give me a peck on the lips goodnight. Sometimes I’d ask for another kiss, and she’d say don’t force me to do something I don’t want to do! Her independent spirit now seemed to be this angry demon that didn’t want me to question her or give her advice. I’d ask her about her medication and…”Stop analysing me!”. Every time was another tiny little cut of rejection or humiliation that cut deeper and deeper into my heart. Making me seek her approval even more. I was too loud. I didn't listen. ME: "Do you still want to marry me?" "Of course, don't be stupid". "Do you still love me?" "You know I do!"

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We are all our worst critics and I would now notice every little thing she said and react. “You look better with your beard that length”. Right, that’s the length it is from now on. “You look really good in dark tops”. I’ll be sure to wear those when I go over. Then she'd comment on liking my beard shorter or longer. Different clothes. I was now spiralling completely and utterly. Every thing I knew about myself that might put her off, I obsessed over. All my insecurities and flaws were constantly in my thoughts. I started to hate myself!

 

I had a rear tooth that was growing sideways into my gum that got infected every now and then. So I was now paranoid about ensuring that my mouth was rinsed out and brushed as often as possible, because every time I was rejected I started to think about why. I’ve put on too much weight. If she complimented another man or mentioned them, my radar was up and scanning her tone of voice and body language. It was excruciatingly painful. She seemed to like to compare me to other men slyly, or just mention other men that she’d chatted to or knew. I didn’t need to hear all of this. She is a very sociable person, and I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it, but I’m explaining how much her behaviours had really got to me. I could barely function. My entire life revolved around waiting for her to come back to me, and holding on for dear life in the meantime.

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I had a constant mantra going round in my head - Who are you? Where's my B? When is B coming back?

A Very Different Christmas

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I had bought all my presents early, but I kept seeing something that M or B would like, so I was going a bit overboard. Probably overcompensating for my perceived shortcomings that were now totally prevalent in my head. I had woken up to her being on her phone quite a few times now. I’d ask her what she was doing, and she’d roll over and slip her phone under her pillow and seem to go back to sleep. One of the worst times was when she was sleep talking and said "I don't want to go on a date with you because you like football". What was I supposed to think was going on there? Had she been talking to guys online while I was asleep? The woman was driving me mad with suspicion, and I genuinely am not like that. She was going out more and more without me. Finding excuses not to see me regularly. Where we used to text all day every day, she’d often be on Whatsapp and I’d be on unread for hours sometimes. She was regularly meeting up with her friends and taking M to town every weekend for hours at a time without me. She also seemed to be bumping into old friends, or reconnecting with her friends and making more time for them than me. When I asked her about this, she said that it was easier to pretend for a short while that she was okay with them, whereas I knew her and she had to actually make an effort with me. We had both shared our locations, early in the relationship, so I now became obsessed with where she was every day. Convinced something must be going on other than the menopause. But whenever I found a way to check, she was always where she said she was. I remember going to the supermarket near my work because I could see she was there. Just to check. I made a big deal about having finished work and needing something. But I really needed to know. This is how low about myself I felt, and how insecure she had made me feel with her behaviour. I made a big joke of it by shouting “nice ass” in the middle of the aisle. She didn’t respond until she realised it was me, which made me feel a bit more secure for a short while.

 

Further things had happened recently where she’d shown me all of her engagement rings when I noticed them in her jewellery box. Yes, you read that right. I think there were four…or it could have been five. She told me about these guys. She’d left them all. Each had lasted two years. Cool. Not sure why this wasn’t mentioned early on but I remember chills going down my spine. She was very indifferent about them. Just some guys that had this major flaw or that major flaw. At least now I know the excuses and avoidant person tells themselves. She literally sounded like Chandler in that episode where he's really picky. Our two year anniversary was coming up!  We’d also been watching a TV Show that had a superhero who could turn into a man or a woman. She said that would be the dream partner for a bi girl. Of all the things to say to your fiancée when you haven’t had sex for months! We had a mutual friend (N) who I knew from the Navy. I’d heard godawful things about her outrageous behaviour when she was younger, and I knew her husband, who she had absolutely destroyed playing games over their kid. My friends had lived next door to her, and they said they’d overheard her laughing cruelly at his performance in bed through the walls. She also tried to get them moved out of their military housing because they smoked. So I didn’t think much of this person. And then I find out my ex had flirted with her back in the day. I couldn't work out why she would think someone like that was super cool. Now she kept telling me what she was up to on social media.

 

When she had been out lately and got drunk she got extremely angry with me once she got home. I’d try and look out for her and it would really piss her off. Her independence had become this nasty thing. I’d suggest she shouldn’t eat so much before she goes to bed in case she’s sick. “Don’t tell me what to do”. I stress that my tone and conversation were nothing about her weight. I was worried she would throw up in her sleep and choke. I'd insist that she sleep on her side and she'd get pissy with me. I’d see her falling asleep on the sofa and suggest she go to bed. “F$%k off”. All very upsetting. When she was sober, if I tried to help her with something she was struggling with she would refuse help. I told her it was okay to accept help. She would apologise and say she was just used to doing everything for herself. Then go back to being the same way. I learned to accept it as usual. She seemed to be arranging more and more nights out with her friends. It was like she was reverting to a younger version of herself who didn’t want to be in a relationship. Basically, every fear of rejection, every insecurity I had, she would seemingly find a way to trigger those anxieties.

 

In fact, when she went to her Mum’s for a week and went out with her sister, I called the next day to see how she was and yes, I did probe slightly due to everything that had gone on. Especially when I saw she'd posted pics of her with a woman that she'd added on Facebook. But she said out loud, you sound suspicious. I said not at all, I’m just asking about your night. I'm betting her Mum was sat right next to her. Same thing again when she went to her friends house. S had shared a picture on Facebook of him in fancy dress. Apparently he'd dressed up for the remake of the Gladiators tv show. Fair enough but I didn't know that at the time. I asked if it had been a party, and she said out loud that I sounded suspicious. I genuinely wondered as it’s a pretty obvious assumption to make. “if there’d been a party don’t you think I would have told you?” Ice in her voice again, and the feeling that this conversation was being overheard by whoever was in the vicinity. She denied anybody was there but I'm not so sure. Almost as if she was painting me a certain way so people would be sympathetic if she ended it. I remember after our breakup texting her Mum to say goodbye and how much I liked her, and her response was very cagey. No emotion. Almost as if she’d been led to believe that I was bad for her daughter. In actuality I doted on her, and my primary priority in life was to look after her.

 

B had  been a lot sharper to both me and M lately. It was just a miserable time. Just being myself completely and utterly annoyed her. Things I had done which would normally make her laugh infuriated her. But I was determined to make sure Xmas was as perfect as possible for us all. I’d bought a ton of posh food from Marks and Spencer, and came over bearing gifts. For our anniversary we’d agreed not to make an effort, but I did anyway, as we all know how that works with women usually! She was upset as she hadn’t made an effort. I did something extremely romantic which I won’t write here, as I wasted it on the wrong person. It’s ready to go for somebody who deserves it next time. Let’s just say I made a huge effort but with a small gift and a beautifully worded card.

 

She didn’t seem thrilled about my lovely gift. She nipped out and got me a bottle of wine and thrust a card at me. I didn’t need her to get me something, but just to appreciate how loving and thoughtful I’d been. The card said “sorry I’ve been a bit shit lately”. As I’d done my research I did my best to help her. The place was even more of a state than usual (amazingly), so I would often clean up when I went over. Run the hoover over. Wash the dishes. Put the clothes on the rack. Little things to help her out.

 

We got through xmas fine. The expensive food was great. She grabbed my face on Xmas Eve and kissed me passionately and then walked off. I thought maybe this was a sign of things turning round. I suspect she was trying to see if there was anything there at all.

 

In January the cat was better, and work was starting to ease off just a little. She was supposed to text me back one night and didn’t bother. I texted her and she said sorry. She’d forgotten. I called her up and said it was extremely hurtful when she did things like this, and asked if she could make some kind of effort. Just a little bit. The occasional hug and answer me in a decent amount of time. I was also exhausted from going back and forth to her place. She made no effort to stay at mine any more, and I would often clean her house whilst leaving mine in a state. I was like thinly spread butter. I just needed her to make a little bit of effort for me…

 

…So, she dumped me. On the phone. She said maybe we shouldn’t be together if that’s how it made me feel, and then when I tried to talk about it, she shut me down and said it was over. I swore at her and she hung up. I drank…a lot. Took some time off work as I was absolutely devastated (especially after being the one putting all the work into the relationship for around 8 or 9 months) and tried to fix it.

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