A Very Different Christmas
 

I had bought all my presents early, but I kept seeing something that M or B would like, so I was going a bit overboard. Probably overcompensating for my perceived shortcomings that were now totally prevalent in my head. I had woken up to her being on her phone quite a few times now. I’d ask her what she was doing, and she’d roll over and slip her phone under her pillow. She was going out more and more without me. Finding excuses not to see me regularly. Where we used to text all day every day, she’d often be on Whatsapp and I’d be on unread for hours sometimes. She was regularly meeting up with her friends and taking M to town every weekend for hours at a time without me. She also seemed to be bumping into old friends, or reconnecting with her friends and making more time for them than me. When I asked her about this, she said that it was easier to pretend for a short while that she was okay with them, whereas I knew her and she had to actually make an effort with me. We both shared our locations, so I now became obsessed with where she was every day. Convinced something must be going on other than the menopause. But whenever I found a way to check, she was always where she said she was. I remember going to the supermarket near my work because I could see she was there. Just to check. I made a big deal about having finished work and needing something. But I really needed to know. This is how low about myself I felt, and how insecure she had made me feel with her behaviour. I made a big joke of it by shouting “nice ass” in the middle of the aisle. She didn’t respond until she realised it was me, which made me feel a bit more secure for a short while.

 

Further things had happened recently where she’d shown me all of her engagement rings when I noticed them in her jewellery box. Yes, you read that right. I think there were four…or it could have been five. She told me about these guys. She’d left them all. Each had lasted two years. Cool. Not sure why this wasn’t mentioned early on but I remember chills going down my spine. She was very indifferent about them. Our two year anniversary was coming up!  We’d also been watching a TV Show that had a superhero who could turn into a man or a woman. She said that would be the dream partner for a bi girl. Of all the things to say to your fiancée when you haven’t had sex for months! We had a mutual friend (N) who I knew from the Navy. I’d heard godawful things about her behaviour and I knew her husband, who she had absolutely destroyed. Playing games over their kid. My friends had lived next door to her, and they said they’d overheard her laughing at his performance in bed through the walls. She also tried to get them moved out of their military housing because they smoked. So I didn’t think much of this person. And then I find out my ex had flirted with her back in the day. Now she kept telling me what she was up to on social media.

 

When she had been out lately and got drunk she got extremely angry with me once she got home. I’d try and look out for her and it would really piss her off. Her independence had become this nasty thing. I’d suggest she doesn’t eat so much before she goes to bed in case she’s sick. “Don’t tell me what to do”. I’d see her falling asleep on the sofa and suggest she go to bed. “F$%k off”. All very upsetting. When she was sober, if I tried to help her with something she was struggling with she would refuse help. I told her it was okay to accept help. She would apologise and say she was just used to doing everything for herself. Then go back to being the same way. I learned to accept it as usual. She seemed to be arranging more and more nights out with her friends. It was like she was reverting to a younger version of herself who didn’t want to be in a relationship. Basically, every fear of rejection, every insecurity I had, she would seemingly find a way to trigger those anxieties.

 

In fact, when she went to her Mum’s for a week and went out with her sister, I called the next day to see how she was and yes, I did probe slightly, but she said out loud, you sound suspicious. I said not at all, I’m just asking about your night. Same thing again when she went to her friends house. S had shared a picture on Facebook of him in fancy dress. I asked if it had been a party, and she said out loud that I sounded suspicious. I genuinely wondered as it’s a pretty obvious assumption to make. “if there’d been a party don’t you think I would have told you?” Ice in her voice again, and the feeling that this conversation was being overheard by whoever was in the vicinity. She denied anybody was there but I'm not so sure. Almost as if she was painting me a certain way so people would be sympathetic if she ended it. I remember after our breakup texting her Mum to say goodbye and how much I liked her, and her response was very cagey. No emotion. Almost as if she’d been led to believe that I was bad for her daughter.

 

B had  been a lot sharper to both me and M lately. It was just a miserable time. Just being myself completely and utterly annoyed her. Things I had done which would normally make her laugh infuriated her. But I was determined to make sure Xmas was as perfect as possible for us all. I’d bought a ton of posh food from Marks and Spencer, and came over bearing gifts. For our anniversary we’d agreed not to make an effort, but I did anyway, as we all know how that works with women usually! She was upset as she hadn’t made an effort. I did something extremely romantic which I won’t write here, as I wasted it on the wrong person. It’s ready to go for somebody who deserves it next time. Let’s just say I made a huge effort but with a small gift and a beautifully worded card.

 

She didn’t seem thrilled about my lovely gift. She nipped out and got me a bottle of wine and thrust a card at me. I didn’t need her to get me something, but just to appreciate how loving and thoughtful I’d been. The card said “sorry I’ve been a bit shit lately”. As I’d done my research I did my best to help her. The place was even more of a state than usual (amazingly), so I would often clean up when I went over. Run the hoover over. Wash the dishes. Put the clothes on the rack. Little things to help her out.

 

We got through xmas fine. The expensive food was great. She grabbed my face on Xmas Eve and kissed me passionately and then walked off. I thought maybe this was a sign of things turning round. I suspect she was trying to see if there was anything there at all.

 

In January the cat was better, and work was starting to ease off just a little. She was supposed to text me back one night and didn’t bother. I texted her and she said sorry. She’d forgotten. I called her up and said it was extremely hurtful when she did things like this, and asked if she could make some kind of effort. Just a little bit. The occasional hug and answer me in a decent amount of time. I was also exhausted from going back and forth to her place. She made no effort to stay at mine any more, and I would often clean her house whilst leaving mine in a state. I was like thinly spread butter. I just needed her to make a little bit of effort for me…

 

…So, she dumped me. On the phone. She said maybe we shouldn’t be together if that’s how it made me feel, and then when I tried to talk about it, she shut me down and said it was over. I swore at her and she hung up. I drank…a lot. Took some time off work as I was absolutely devastated (especially after being the one putting all the work into the relationship for around 8 or 9 months) and tried to fix it.

 

I should give you my state of mind through this whole period of time. I absolutely worshipped this woman. She seemed to get me. She seemed to understand me. She was good for me, and she made me feel special. I felt safe with her. We had been together long enough for me to trust her and feel that she loved me deeply. We had been through a lot together. I was always there for her problems, and vice versa. We were a team. From my perspective it felt like we were that couple in the movie “Up”. There was absolutely no way that we could fail.

 

Then she had slowly become somebody else. I’d sit at home waiting for a reply to a text, and think who are you? It was like her body and soul had been replaced by another human being. And every slight, every time she shouted at me for just being me, every time she drew back from physical touch, every time she said something hurtful? It was just a tiny little cut that slowly but surely got deeper and deeper. Death by a thousand cuts. She had thrown herself into her work completely and would often work late. Another great excuse not to see me! Still, I couldn’t give up on her, because I knew that somewhere inside there was still that amazing person that was everything to me. It would feel like a betrayal to just leave her to her misery and move on.

 

All this just made me want her even more. I was desperate to get back this amazing woman who had almost completely disappeared into herself. It was also shocking to see the pure rage inside her. The coldness. The shock of the matter of fact way she could make me feel like nothing. It made me seek her approval massively. I had started spending money to make me seem more valuable I guess. I remember her buying a new sofa and she couldn’t afford to get the chair that went with it, and I offered to get the chair on my card. She would then simultaneously be grateful but also chastise me for spending money. It was so confusing and by that stage I was in a VERY bad head space. I remember watching the young salesman put on the charm with her, and her being equally charming back, and wondering why does she do this for other people, but not me? I was utterly traumatised and mentally exhausted with overthinking myself into a constant state of anxiety. I would have butterflies every time I texted or called. I’d go for a smoke break and be sat thinking and thinking about menopause and its implications, and how I could help her. Her strange new behaviours also ate away at me. Was she seeing somebody else? Was she talking to somebody else? What did everything all mean? Or did it mean nothing? Was I going to lose her? What could I do to keep her? Why did she have absolutely no empathy whatsoever? She got upset when I changed my relationship status on Facebook, but felt no such problem with removing the engagement ring and sharing pictures of her hand looking empty.

 

I was now completely obsessed with understanding the menopause and trying to work out what was going on. I needed to know that what she was telling me was the truth, but then I found it hard to reconcile that she could just leave me after everything I’d gone through for her. I’m not proud of this moment of madness, but I have to be completely honest and demonstrate how much of an impact this can have on a partner’s mental well-being. I was completely lost. I could think of nothing else. It consumed me.

 

Not only that. It was the way she did it. There was absolutely no empathy toward my own state of mind. She would text me as if I was a friend. There was nothing to show how much we’d shared and been in love. It was like I as an inconvenient one-night stand who kept texting.

 

Anyway, over time after the breakup we began to talk again. I agreed to stay in touch with M and let it peter out slowly as I knew it would be painful as hell to stay in touch with her daughter too much. At one point she went up to her Mum’s and M texted me goodbye and it felt so final that I sobbed in the car all the way home. But I’d always be available for her. I kept trying to remind B of what we had, and that it wasn’t worth throwing it all the way. One afternoon I remember driving home from work and we’d arranged to have a chat. She was really communicative for a change this time. Again, I was told not to analyse her, and then as I began talking about HRT possibly eventually working, she exploded on the other end of the phone. “I haven’t loved you for months”!!! “I’ve been trying not to hurt your feelings, but I can no longer do this, it’s not fair to you, and I haven’t been able to sleep from the guilt”. This was absolutely shocking to hear. All this time she had been lying to me successfully. And I had checked numerous times because man, I felt a vibe. I’d say are you sure you still want me? Yes. Are you sure you still love me? Yes.

 

So this sudden revelation absolutely destroyed me yet again. Honestly, the amount of times I spent going down the dual carriageway on my way home in tears because of her. It’s embarrassing! Full on sobbing in the car, sometimes in traffic jams. God knows what people must have thought of me! I didn’t care what they thought I just wanted my love back! At the end of that conversation I said okay. Now I know where I stand. You’ve made it clear that I mean nothing to you. I have my closure. I’ll move on.

 

At some point. I don’t recall exactly when. I decided that we had been apart a while and if something had been going on, she would probably be nonchalant enough to invite the guy round her place. I knew the nights we used to spend time together when her daughter wasn’t there, so I drove over one night and parked out of sight. Then walked past her apartment. Nobody was in there, and when I texted her later she said she had been cleaning, which is what I saw. This is how low I’d got. She had been acting like she’d been having an affair and I just needed to know whether to continue bothering with her and believe that it was just the menopause or give up completely. Please bear in mind that by this time, the amount of revelations that had been thrown at me thick and fast had sent me reeling. All these things I thought were set in stone that she was constantly reassuring me about had been false. All these secrets she had kept. The Facebook argument really highlighted some things about her personality that I hadn’t been aware of previously:

 

1. She was exceptionally good at lying.

2. She kept a lot of secrets.

3. She did not like people knowing her business or the real her, and how cruel she was capable of being.

 

She even kept M in the dark about our breakup for weeks. I said to her, this isn’t healthy for her You have to be open with her and explain everything. We can do it together. It’s not fair for her to think we’re still engaged and that I’m ill, and that’s why I haven’t visited her. Looking back, it’s easy to spot all of this. But at the time I was dealing with so much being thrown at me, as well as my own overthinking, that I just didn’t put it all together. I was just reacting in real-time to the latest thing and feeling more and more miserable.

 

Texts still went back and forth for a couple of weeks, and we spoke again. This time she was softer and said that she’d been crying a lot realising it was over. I saw this as a good sign that maybe she was realising what she lost. I told her that she should listen to the voice clips of our early conversations to remind herself of what we had been like. She did, and she admitted that she hadn’t laughed in a very long time. We then agreed to meet at a coffee shop for a chat. It felt like she might be coming back to me. When we got to the coffee shop she looked like an old woman. The way she carried herself. Hunched over her shopping bags. Frail and miserable looking. My heart went out to her. The menopause was destroying her! We chatted and decided to be friends and see how things went. She had a weird thing about wording now. I couldn’t be hopeful that we would get back together because that would put pressure on her. So I had to say I had faith and not that I was hopeful. It’s like her brain had changed slightly. Going back to a more traditional way of thinking. I remember her watching Barbie. Something she would normally have hated and really enjoying it. She’d also put some posts on Facebook that were very old fashioned about how women should dress etc. Very weird.

 

After the conversation at the coffee shop I got the impression that she wasn’t that interested, so I sent her a lengthy text saying it was cool and maybe it was best that we did just call it a day. She called me up straight away and explained that wasn’t how the conversation had gone, and that she was happy for us to be friends and see where it went without expectation. This started a period of me dangling on a knife edge waiting to see if she allowed me back in her life properly. Not good for my soul…or my stomach. Which was in constant knots. You know that feeling you get before a big test, or public speaking? That’s how I felt almost constantly. Snakes writhing in my belly, thinking I’d lost the one. My daughter wasn’t helping either as she decided now was the time to really act out. And If I criticised her, she would say the most hurtful things, and it would turn into raging arguments. Both of us saying horrible things. She really knew how to push my buttons. I’d spent 2 ½ years with B and no argument had gone unresolved without a calm discussion apart from the one night I’ve already talked about. I told my daughter I currently felt suicidal (the truth). Didn’t blink an eye. Didn’t ease off me. Just dug in deeper and nastier.

 

So this went on through February and March. We met up a couple of times and I thought I’ve lost her. There was nothing there. No feeling, No energy. No happiness. She was an absolute state. When would this end?! Then suddenly she seemed to change. We met another time and she was bit perkier. A little bit more friendly and almost fun to be around. Then the next time I felt like there was a spark between us. The way she looked at me seemed to have a hint of desire. Her body language was open. The eye contact had returned. Again, she was adamant that I temper my expectations. Then one more final time we met and things went really well. By this time, with the cat’s issues reoccurring regularly, my daughter getting worse and really sticking the knife into me, and work still being super stressful, I had started to get choked up randomly. I went to see dune 2 with my daughter and burst into tears at the end. Then sobbed all the way back. I’d just suddenly start crying if I saw something sad on the TV. I was spending more time With B again and we went to a Lego convention and with M and my daughter. Afterwards we had a meal and I started to get choked up, I was so thrilled to have my little family back around me. They all made fun of it. “he’s gonna blow again”. M staring into my eyes deeply hoping I’d crack and actually sob so she could laugh. To be fair to her, she is 10. The other two should have known better or at least shown some concern for me. I was now in a bubble of my own making, where I absolutely could not see how depressed and anxious I was.

 

I stayed over B’s one weekend and we hashed everything out. Again, I’d cried whilst watching TV, much to everybody's delight. A kid’s movie and a couple of episodes of Gavin and Stacey. It just kept flooding out of me. B suggested I see the doctor, and I half-heartedly agreed. The truth was that all I thought I needed was for us to get back together and I’d be fine eventually. That weekend we had some very deep conversations. She confessed a lot to me. I mentioned that she’d asked me to lower my defences early in the relationship. She’d said I had a wall that would come up. I’d dropped it for her. I asked her to now do the same and it all came flooding out. Stuff to do with her growing up and not having a good relationship with her Dad. A deep-seated fear of commitment. “I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myself to love anybody completely”. This came as news to me after getting engaged and all of the love-bombing I’d received building up to that. I knew that I’d been the best partner I could possibly be. I’m 46 and had learnt all the lessons on what not to do, and how to be. But here I was! Having my self-identity yet again torn to pieces by her.

 

I asked her why she couldn’t allow herself to let me in completely. She said there were some things that put her off. I told her to write a list of pro’s and cons, and learn to accept me, rather than put up with me. And that I’d happily hear my shortcomings and work on them. She said the list seemed pretty silly when she thought about it, and that I was right. And that she did love me. More deeply than anybody she had ever loved. Because she knew I would never abandon her, and that I’d been there for her throughout this whole thing. She said I’d been her rock and that it was her turn to do the same, knowing how much she had hurt me. I was happy with this. I could recover and move on.

 

Although she instantly started to tell me my perceived shortcomings in-depth. This was a lot to take in at once after everything else I’d been put through. Sex wasn’t spontaneous enough (we’d only had sex twice since getting back together and I’d had blue balls for 10 months). She’d like to pleasure me more rather than me pleasuring her. Fair enough, just give me time to get used to having sex again and let’s just keep it to the basics until I’m back to my normal capabilities. All I asked. Apparently, I treated it like we had to do it when we went to bed, rather than having some mystery – this thing again. With regard to the foreplay, I was trying to work out what floated her boat. She had found it a lot harder to orgasm since the operation, and coming off the anti-depressants hadn’t made a difference. The doctors had said they had cut away at some “scar tissue” in there and it seemed to have done something which meant she no longer had those strong muscular reactions I mentioned. I remembered her asking me after the operation if it felt different, and I lied and said no. So being refused sex for nearly a year and then being criticised straight away did not do wonders for my self-esteem. Looking back, I think she spent a lot of time deflecting her shortcomings by making them about me if I’m honest. The lack of spontaneity was down to her. The way she let her child stay up late. How long it took us to get to bed because she now stayed up a lot later, so we were both knackered by the time we got to bed. She never instigated sex in our entire relationship. She never spoke up to say what she wanted other than the occasional small kink. I wasn’t interested in being aggressive all the time. It was an occasional thing for me. Which I was terrified to do since she had called me creepy last time, in case it put her off me again. The crazy amount of time it took her to cum, and the fact it didn’t hit as hard – again not my fault. Hence the foreplay being long.  I was doing my absolute best to deal with so much craziness, and now my masculinity was being assaulted yet again.

 

There were other things. Apparently I texted and spoke to her too often during the day. It had initially been cute and nice but she now felt it was a lot. Never mentioned to me previously. It seemed to me that her fear of confrontation had meant she just put up with stuff and didn’t give me a chance to course correct. Now she was throwing everything at me all at once. This perfect thing I’d thought we’d had seemed to be a façade on her part. This really broke my brain…and my heart!

 

She also stated later that as I said I love You too soon, that she’d felt forced into saying it back. Everything she said made it seem like she felt I’d manipulated her into a relationship. She’s a grown woman and she’s throwing all this at me as if it’s my fault she has commitment issues and had been hiding them. But I soldiered through. I hadn’t come this far to just give up. I’m loyal to the core.

 

I’d noticed now that sometimes I looked at her and couldn’t feel love. I would wonder what I saw in her.

 

This was bad! I decided to push these feelings back deep inside. This was clearly some kind of reaction to everything that had gone on. So I swallowed it down and after a couple of weeks I was in love with her again. The promises to be my rock and never abandon me either made me feel a bit safer. We were getting to be tight again. But there had been a lot of changes. The HRT was clearly working. Although she did mention that she had taken some mushroom supplements the same day that she started coming back to me, so she would keep taking them just in case. I noticed that she was loving but had a slightly different personality. Slightly less caring and a little bit more selfish than she used to be. Only a little bit this time. Nowhere as extreme as it had been. She had also been going out a lot more. Her friends seemed to take a higher priority and she wasn’t as considerate of my feelings as she had been. We discussed getting engaged again and she said that we would get there but it would take time. I said that she’d have to ask me this time because I was tired of trying so hard all the time.

 

Then my cat died and once again my life fell apart. On top of everything else, I had been doing best to keep my cat alive. I had rescued him as a kitten and he was the sweetest creature. I had hand fed him to tame him as he had fear aggression and now he wouldn’t hurt a fly. He was everybody’s favourite of my two cats, and I’d spent a fortune and a ton of time to save him. This was devastating to me after everything I’d gone through over the last twelve months. I was so exhausted from being emotionally tested constantly by everyone around me. When was I going to catch a break? Again, I spent a lot of time sobbing randomly. She was very understanding as I apologised for my weakened emotional state. She was fine with it. Not long after this she was invited to her friend’s husband’s birthday party. It was a BBQ. Apparently I wasn’t invited as nobody knew we were back together. A few days later she said she’d asked if I could come and they said that was fine. I absolutely did not feel like going to this, but if I’m honest, I no longer trusted her, and wanted to be around when she was drunk to keep an eye on here. Ridiculous, right?!

 

Again, I can’t remember exactly when she told me this, but it was fairly close the to the date of the BBQ. I was in the kitchen, helping with the dishes yet again, when she said to me “It’s okay if you kissed somebody else while we were broken up”. I chuckled and proudly stated that it was the last thing on my mind. She said “I know you went out quite a lot, and it’s fine if you did”. I said I didn’t actually go out, but just tagged myself in places so you would think I was out dating, I stayed at home and did research on the menopause. I shouldn’t have admitted this I should have let her think I still had some value on the sexual marketplace. I’d told her I was on the apps, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I had great matches but I just explained my situation and said I’d chat to them when I felt ready. Another stupid mistake. I should have started setting myself up with some future options to break my rapid fall. She then confessed that she had kissed a man when she was out to see if there was any sexual feeling. If it was just me that she wasn’t into. She said there wasn’t any feeling and she didn’t enjoy it. I don’t know why but she had to tell me how old he was – 28. Why rub it in that she could get a younger man? Why even tell me after everything I had been through already? So I confessed about visiting her apartment that one time. I figured that was it. Although now I was reeling inside with this new info. WTF?!?!

 

Friday we did our usual thing of not seeing each other, and then I had to head over early as we were getting a lift from R. Great. She’s coming! That lightened my mood no end. B had bought three bottles of wine and I joked about how many bottles she had in the bag. I tried to make small talk in the car to little avail. And once we arrived and said hi, I poured a glass of the wine for each of us. I hate visiting parties and drinking the host’s alcohol. It feels better to drink what I brought as I’m not taking the piss then. We got through the wine very quickly. Once again she was flitting around with her mates. B was already there and had been playing with the other kids. She quickly bounced off after saying hi. I was left to talk to R’s husband briefly and then the conversation died. I had a strange feeling that day. It’s hard to describe, but I wasn’t really there. I just stood in a corner vaping, and drinking the wine. Barely spoke to anybody, and just drank. Not even realising I was getting drunk until I headed in for another refill and wobbled a little. B came in and suggested I drink some water. I asked when we were going, and she said when R leaves. Now I’m starting to see that this is going to go the way it had in the past. She was going to get wasted and spend all her time with her mates. I drank more. She said she didn’t feel well (migraine) and was going to have a lie down upstairs. No problem. I was happy to just continue by myself. Only, at some point I started to feel really off. We’d drunk the three bottles of wine between us, and some prosecco. Both of us were clearly pretty drunk.

 

After a while I wondered if she was okay and went to go into the house and see how she was. Her friend cut me off and said they had closed the house for now. I said I just wanted to see how B was, and she said why don’t you give her some space to relax? Weird. I waited a while and then decided to head through via their garage as I really wanted to see if she was okay. Again, cut off. “That doors closed”. So now I was drunk and annoyed that I was being treated like a child, and curious as to what the hell was going on. These people were rave heads, and I knew that B was inclined to take stuff when she was with them. This had worried me in the past, when she’d come home and she told me she had popped a pill. Was she alright in there? Was she on something in there and that’s why they didn’t want me to see her? Was there a guy there? Honestly, by this point in the whole relationship, I was just completely broken. Then the night fragmented. I was actually struggling to remember things as they were happening. I had absolutely no idea what was going on half the time. Apparently, I found out later that I had downed a pint of vodka mixed with an alcopop after being refused entry to see B. I was obnoxious and said inappropriate jokes. I think I’d had enough of these people by to be honest.

 

And now we get to the final bust-up. And it was a BIG one! B was now up and about and talking to people. I headed over to where she was sat with R and asked what they were chatting about. B said she’d been talking about the menopause and how amazing I had been with it all. I saw this as a golden opportunity to demonstrate to R how much I deserved to be with B. I started talking about how tough it had been for me, especially with everything that was going at home and with work. B agreed and said I’d been an angel to put up with it all. Then I said the line that killed our relationship. “I honestly think that if it were the other way round and a guy behaved the same way, it would be considered emotional abuse”. I still stand by this wholeheartedly, and it’s a hill I’m willing to die on. B freaked out instantly ‘that’s not true”. “that’s not how it was at all”. She pressed me for examples. I did not want to embarrass her with a list of shitty things she had done, but she kept pressing. I started to talk and R was butting in – “no. You don’t get to slag my mate off in front of me”. The two of them needling me and interrupting me made me resolve to get it all out. I was drunk and had issues recalling what I needed to say, so I slowly spelled it out. Only a few examples I could think of from the top of my head. She stormed off saying I was a “Prick”. R looked me dead in the eye and said “now you’ve done it”. I tried to explain to her that I was just trying to explain what I’d been through and wasn’t slagging her off. Nope. She kept shushing me and interrupting me and telling me “You’re making it worse”. Very frustrating. So I told her there was no need to be a prick about it. “Are you calling me a prick?”. “Yup!”. Because she simply wouldn’t let me explain properly. Neither of them had.

 

I waited a short while and then ventured into the house to sort it out. By this time I as completely wasted and just wanted to fix things. She didn’t want to talk to me. “Go away, or I’ll tell people you’re scaring me”. Seriously I was so pathetic. Not scary. Close to tears. “Please B. Just talk to me.” She was wasted as well. Her motions were exaggerated, and she was being petulant and childish. She hid in the bathroom shouting “he’s scaring me”. I knocked on the door and begged her to open it. Her friend’s husband S was in the vicinity with his kid, who was having a meltdown, and he asked me to take it easy. I was like, no worries. I just want to talk to her. She opened the door and seemed to calm down and I moved in to cuddle her “you said I was a shit girlfriend” she sobbed. I said I was sorry and whispered that I loved her. She suddenly turned into a hissing thing. Pushed me away and screamed “get off me”. Again, I was shocked, but even more so when S grabbed me from behind and dragged me out of the house. I was pissed, yes. But I was upset, not violent or aggressive. I had never felt so utterly alone and heartbroken in my life.

 

S said it was fine, and that I just needed to give her a chance to calm down. I drank more outside. I remember saying things and people being upset with me. Apparently, I then proceeded to “slag her off to anybody who would listen”. I was shocked, and I knew that these people must have thought I was some kind of violent and abusive monster after being dragged off like that. I think we all know what it’s like being a man in this day and age. I was trying to explain what had happened and what she’d put me through for so long. I was completely and utterly broken. I could no longer cope emotionally. I was eventually asked to leave and I headed up the street to order a taxi. I then remembered that she’d been upset last time I left her, so I headed back in the hope that maybe she would come out to talk to me. I was blocked by a woman I didn’t know. “No. You’ve been asked to leave already”. Can you go and ask B if she’ll come out and talk to me please? “no.”

 

NOW I started to lose my temper. Who the hell was this woman and why couldn’t she just let me talk to B? Could she not just ask somebody to go and ask B to come out and talk to me? Why had B been in the house so much today? What was going on? She said “my husband is in there, and when he comes out…” I asked if he was asking B to come out and talk to me? No. She was starting to be aggressive with me. I started to get aggressive with her and asked if she was jealous because my ex was gorgeous? She’s in my way, remember and I was not thinking straight. Is her husband banging B in the kitchen as we stood outside here? I really pushed her buttons. She punched me. I shrugged it off and then her husband turned up. I tried to walk around them. I just wanted to chat to B, and he pushed me. Really hard. Harder than you should push someone who is clearly pissed out of their mind and already off balance as he tries to circumnavigate you. So yeah. I ended up with a huge gash across the back of my head and a concussion for two weeks. I wandered off. Some guy came running up to see if I was alright “mate, your head is bleeding” and I told him where to go. I got a text from B saying we’d talk the next day with an x. I told her we were done. Her reply - “what have I done?”. Ha!

 

After that it took me a long time to get a taxi home I went to a couple of pubs on the way home as there was nothing available on the app. I initially got served util the staff would notice the cuts on my head. Concerned people tried to get me to call an ambulance. No thanks I’m fine. I eventually got a taxi and headed back to B’s. She wouldn’t let me in Apparently M had seen the argument and was scared. If I’d known she or any other kids were about I would of course have just left. You may have noticed that I’m not sugar coat things here. I behaved appallingly. My car was outside Bs house. I’m not going to incriminate myself here, but I did something I have never done and will never do again to get home. Very slowly and cautiously. And I made sure to check my camera the next day that this had been the case. I was very disappointed in myself, and I sure as hell wish that the night hadn’t gone that way. I spoke to her in the car and asked what the hell I’d done to warrant her exploding. She said I’d talked about the menopause and said things I shouldn’t have. I said I thought we agreed that it should be talked about more. She had proudly told people that I should write a book with all the research I had done. “Yeah, but that stuff was personal”. Obviously now I remember her goading me into giving examples, but at the time I was completely out of it.

 

I’m sure that other people will have seen me as some kind of lunatic, and this really cut me. But looking back I realised it was a nervous breakdown. I tried to work out what the hell had gone on altogether because my memory was all over the place. I was ashamed and penitent. I went to pick up my glasses the next day. B made me wait outside so M wouldn’t see me as if I was some kind of monster, rather than a guy who had a drunken argument and got assaulted. She practically threw my glasses at me. I said, “B. I’ve gone through hell for you”. She told me that was the only reason she was still talking to me and that she would have to think long and hard about this.

 

After that I tried to get back together with B but she was upset that her friends didn’t want to socialise with me, and that M had seen me arguing. I sent M an apology text and explained that I wasn’t myself, and suggested to B that what would be best for her was for her to see me again back to normal, so she wasn’t scarred by anything she’d seen or heard. She said she’d think about it. I initially thought that maybe the sun had got to me as my head had sunburn, but then after piecing the night together slowly we both realised that I had broken down very publicly. I suggested that she talk to her friends and explain what she had put me through, and that maybe they’d be more understanding once they knew how tough it had been for me, and that it was completely out of character. Remember I didn’t raise my hands to anybody or get aggressive until I’d been punched. And even then it was just words. s.

 

She headed over to R’s to do just that, and apparently S came round to see her and told her the bits that filled in the gaps. Claiming that she hadn’t said certain things, but I remember them distinctly enough to be able to fill the whole day and night in as I’ve done so. B had been planning to come back to mine after a night out with her mate. But after speaking to those two the x’s disappeared off texts, and she was cold again. I called her and she went nuts. I asked if she’d told them what she had put me through, and she said she’d told them I’d never done anything like that before. This became a common theme when I questioned her about what she had told people. It seems there is absolutely no way that she will ever admit to deconstructing my psyche so completely. I brought this up a few times, and each time it was the same. “I did back you up. I told them this was out of character”. Again, no mention of what she had said or done. Those damn secrets of hers. The need to be seen a certain way by other people, and to not let them see her darker side. Cowardly.

 

Over time we texted and I tried my hardest to get us over this one messed up night. She wouldn’t accept accountability for kicking off or for what she’d put me through. I should have gone to the doctors sooner. It’s not her fault that I have issues. She was exhausted and didn’t want to fix yet another man. She is going to live alone the rest of her life. I don’t think that there’s much more to say. It’s taken me a year to psyche myself up to write this section. I started last week and had a panic attack. There’s actually more I could put in there but I think I’ve covered the main points and I’m exhausted thinking about it. Yes I made mistakes on the way, but I was constantly juggling a lot of balls at once with one hand tied behind my back. I was mentally and physically exhausted from all the effort I’d put in for everybody Trying to keep our little family together.

 

My daughter went to visit her as they got on well, and my daughter looked up to her. She asked her if there was any chance of us getting together and she listed the following reasons why not:

 

1. I’m bad with money

2. I’m not handy around the house so buying a house together would be a risk.

3. Me checking on her at her house was off-putting.

4. She can see her friends more now.

5. I was an amazing man but just a bit lost at the moment.

 

Amazing, considering how much bad behaviour I put up with. How much time, love, energy, and money I spent on her and her daughter, and how she had told me that she would be my rock when I needed it. In the end, as much as I regret that day, I do feel it was needed. I needed to reset after all the trauma, and I needed to see who was there for me and who wasn’t worthy ofmy time. I also don’t think I would have got the help I needed from the doctor and I would still be struggling with mood swings. Now I shrug stuff off and can cope with the world far better.

 

After she told my daughter all this, my daughter decided to use this as ammunition against me when I tried to get her to do something with her life. She’d come home and complain that we didn’t have a house, and say that it was all my fault for buying things for myself. I tried explaining mortgages to her and she just shut me down. She eventually pushed me to the limits. Went through my text messages using my Mac. Arguing with me and then recording me shouting in response to nasty things she said. Texting B god knows what and then showing me B’s sympathetic responses to her. Trying to paint me in a bad light to everyone. It’s sad but I didn’t bring her up and I didn’t mess her up. I tried to be a positive influence as much as I should, but she’s too much like her Mother’s side. I am no longer willing to have people repeatedly fight me and put me down when I have done nothing but love them unconditionally and do my best for her. In the end I said enough was enough and kicked her out.

 

As for my ex, I hear that she goes out a lot and shares a lot of pictures with her mates getting drunk on social media. I do forgive her, but I am also disappointed that she was too cowardly to meet me face to face and hash things out or allow me closure. And I resent the fact that she didn’t tell her friends how awful she had been in detail. Most of all I feel sorry for her. I don’t think she is capable of allowing somebody completely into her life.

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In her defence, I did send a lot of texts and voice clips and it was a lot to absorb. But I was trying my hardest to fix things. And rather selfishly, I think I needed her to cushion the fall by going through the issues with me. When she acted to callous, uncaring, and uninterested, it caused me to act quite bitter. So I could have handled things better there. But I took engagement extremely seriously and it was so tough to just let go of something that had seemed so right. Especially when I didn't feel that I deserved to go through any of it. I was just a normal bloke in a normal relationship, doing my best for my partner. And I was completely destroyed mentally out of the blue. It felt like I had been punished for something I didn't do (apart from the BBQ of course).

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Most of all, I think it's just really tough for me to get over all of the hurt and pain I went through knowing that my heart was in the right place but that I wasn't enough for her. The thought of her just moving on without a second thought or doing any work on herself (I know she won't because she can't even face up to what she put me through. It hurts. 

 

Most of all? I’m disappointed that I sent her a series of voice clips stating everything I’ve written here. She ignored them and admitted she didn’t listen to them. She was too damn cowardly to face up to what she had said and done. I’m not like that. Which is why I’ve laid it all out here, whether it paints me in a good light or bad.

 

Hopefully this is a cautionary tale for other men to read, so they can learn from my mistakes. I have probably missed stuff out or got the chronology a bit wonky but I can’t go through all the texts again to find everything. If you’re on this page, you can probably relate to loving somebody completely and then be filled with dread at losing them as they tear chunks out of you. Take from my story what you will, and I really hope it helps highlight how important your own sanity is in all this.

 

I think there are four main points to focus on:

 

1. Look after your own mental health. You can’t help your partner or stay with them if you fall apart like I did.

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2. Appreciate your worth. Don’t let her sap your self-esteem and self-worth. Once you’re emasculated by her, you will have an uphill struggle to be seen as a man in her eyes. I watched her slowly lose respect for me over time and the harder I tried to fix it, the worse off I ended up looking.

 

3. Get help if you need it. After the second breakup I went to the doctor. I burst into tears as soon as I sat down and she was lovely. It was amazing to have someone actually see and listen to me and my feelings for a change. She prescribed me anti-depressants, and I know for a fact, if I’d done this sooner, then I wouldn’t have crumbled like I did. They get me through the day. I am a much happier and more stable person.

 

4. Nobody is going to fill the hole in your soul except yourself. Be happy with yourself. Work on yourself and your own mental health. I’m no longer anxious to find the love of my life. I enjoy single life, and there are plenty of women out there who want a decent, thoughtful, and above all truthful man. I have made friends with women I’ve dated that I didn’t want to date long term, and they’re just a phone call away if I’m feeling lonely. I go on dates regularly. You don’t have to commit to have a good time as long as you’re open about it. And you don’t have to be deeply committed to another human being to be happy with yourself.

 

I’ll continue with the mental health section now. I will say that it isn’t all doom and gloom. We did get back together briefly, and now I’m single and don’t have all of this going on, I am putting myself back together really nicely. Dating is actually a lot of fun at this age. I’m even considering creating a guide to online dating once I’ve finished building this site.