The Menopause Survival Guide ...For Men
Decreased Libido
Hello, and welcome to "The Menopause Survival Guide…For Men". We're going to continue our discussion about menopause and its impact on your relationship and mental health. If you're reading this, you might be feeling distressed and worried about the state of your relationship or your own well-being. But let me tell you, there is hope. This can be fixed. Let's discuss loss of libido...
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This is going to be one of the toughest symptoms for you to deal with during menopause. Not only will you be feeling the frustration of no longer being intimate with your partner, but you are also going to be battling your own mind as you deal with the impact of such a huge change in your relationship. This can potentially cause a lot of nasty arguments and do an incredible amount of damage to your self-esteem. You may find yourself questioning if it’s a natural fall in desire or something about you that is the problem. You are going to have to work very hard on yourself to maintain your sense of worth. All of your deepest insecurities are going to come to the surface, and you will find yourself questioning what’s wrong with you, or why the doctor isn’t helping more.
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You might even become suspicious that your partner is having an affair, especially when you factor in all the other changes that you will be witnessing. Things I will go into in more detail in future. You may feel as though you are being punished even though you haven’t done anything wrong. And you will become increasingly frustrated with the amount of time it is taking for the HRT to work. This is all perfectly normal and understandable. The hardest thing for me personally was the lack of empathy my partner had towards my suffering. She was very matter of fact about the whole thing. Of course, when you aren’t feeling any form of sexual desire, then you are not going to be able to empathise with somebody who is sexually frustrated.
You are going to have to be extremely steadfast and loyal during this period time period. Remember, that your partner DOES care about you, but she isn’t feeling any of the urges that you are. You may find that this is coupled with other drops in intimacy. My partner felt that if she cuddled or kissed me that I would automatically think that sex was on the cards. This led to her becoming far less touchy feely to the point that we barely touched, kissed, or hugged. She told me that she had read about a lot of women who were practically shouting I wish that he would just cuddle me and just be happy with that. The irony in my situation is that I got used to this new dynamic after a while, and just wanted a hug. I no longer cared about the sex as much. So, we could have cuddled a lot more if she had had faith in me. This is why good communication is absolutely essential.
To be fair, the first few months were hell. Just remember that the HRT can take a LONG time to work, and you just have to grin and bear it and take care of yourself.
If you really do love your partner, then don’t cheat. The thought will cross your mind regularly. Especially if she isn’t sympathetic to your feelings, and you may feel that a vital part of the relationship has been taken from you through no fault of your own. But this is where you prove yourself as a real man who can endure anything for his woman. And if you start acting suspiciously then it is going to cause even more arguments.
You also need to accept that this is a medical issue. It isn’t your partner’s fault. I fantasised a lot about cheating but managed to keep it as just that. Fantasy. While I took care of myself. I found that the best approach was to deliberately not pay attention to other women so that I wouldn’t find them attractive. I’d rely on fake looking porn when taking care of myself so that I wouldn’t be tempted by realistic sex.
The long-term effects of this were that I was no longer as bothered about getting sex on a regular basis, and I found it extremely hard to find any other women attractive now that I was single again. But I was still processing the breakup. I also believe that the psychological aspect of everything that happened with my partner pulling away left me traumatised and overly reliant on her and nobody else.
Something to consider if you really don’t think the relationship is going to work. It is very easy to be pulled into a position of weakness and have your partner lose respect for you when you are constantly fighting to keep her, and just doing her bidding to keep the peace.
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On the plus side, now I'e gotten used to feeling single, I am thoroughly enjoying all the extra time I have to myself and meeting new and interesting women. So if you do find yourself single again after everything, just remember that 51% of the population is female and maybe you were just with the wrong person.
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THE most positive thing I've found after all this is that on dates I don't try so hard to get women into bed quickly. My show of restraint seems to have a very positive effect. My holding back seems to make them more interested in taking things physical. So as much as you may think that you're broken, you may find that this has made you a better, stronger man with a hell of lot more self-discipline!
So what are the medical facts about libido and menopause?
Decreased libido, or a decline in sexual desire, is a common and often distressing symptom experienced by many women during the menopausal transition. It can manifest as a decreased interest in sexual activity, reduced arousal, and diminished responsiveness to sexual stimuli.
While the exact causes of decreased libido during menopause are multifaceted, hormonal changes, physical discomfort, psychological factors, and relationship dynamics all play a role in shaping her sexual experience.
Let’s look at what causes a decrease in libido
Estrogen plays a crucial role in maintaining vaginal lubrication, blood flow to the genitals, and sensitivity to sexual stimuli, while testosterone influences sexual desire and arousal. The imbalance of these hormones can disrupt the delicate interplay of physiological processes involved in sexual response. Many men may be surprised to find that testosterone is such an important hormone in female sexual desire. But it really is.
In addition to hormonal changes, physical factors such as vaginal dryness, discomfort during intercourse, and changes in genital sensation can contribute to decreased libido. These symptoms can affect her ability to experience pleasure and satisfaction during sexual activity, leading to a decline in sexual desire.
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Menopause is often accompanied by psychological and emotional challenges such as stress, anxiety, depression, body image concerns, and relationship issues, which can impact libido and sexual desire. Women may experience fluctuations in mood, self-esteem, and confidence, affecting their interest in and enjoyment of sex. You may find that she covers herself a lot more and comments on her looks a lot more. Brownie points are to be had here by throwing her a well-timed compliment. However, don’t expect it to lead to sex. In fact, it’s best to treat any form of intimacy as a bonus and to not expect it.
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Changes in the relationship dynamics, communication patterns, and intimacy levels can influence a woman's sexual desire during menopause. Relationship stress, conflict, or dissatisfaction can dampen libido and diminish sexual satisfaction, highlighting the importance of open communication, empathy, and mutual support. The more understanding and helpful you are, the more likely it is that you can relight the flame of desire. But it’s not guaranteed. Every woman is different.
Once the HRT starts working, you may find that your partners responses to things she used to like will have changed. I remember being surprised by how different things were. So prepare to have to make an effort to learn what she now likes rather than what she used to. For us, there was a need for much more clitoral stimulation and foreplay needed to last A LOT longer. This can yet again have a psychological impact on you as you have to accept that what was previously extremely pleasurable for your partner is no longer making her legs shake. Talk to her and get her to be more vocal in what she needs to achieve climax. The more "encouraging" she can be the better, as you’ll have a new roadmap to follow.
What Can We Do To Support Her Whilst Maintaining Intimacy?
Normalise Discussions: Create a safe and open environment for discussing sex and intimacy in your relationship. Normalise conversations about her lack of libido and reassure your partner that it's a common and natural aspect of the menopausal transition, not a reflection of inadequacy or failure. Don’t quiz her constantly about it though. I was particularly guilty of this. Regularly asking her if she was feeling up to it or thought she might be getting her mojo back. Try to find a way to remind her of your plight without throwing blame or trying to get laid. Because it WILL feel important to you that she recognises the sacrifices that you are making. Your feelings need to be validated too but be extremely wary of making it a big thing in your relationship. The more you expect it, the less she will want to have any form of intimacy with you.
Explore Alternative Forms of Intimacy:
Expand your definition of intimacy beyond penetrative sex to include a range of pleasurable and satisfying activities that promote emotional connection, physical closeness, and mutual enjoyment. Experiment with sensual massage, cuddling, kissing, and non-genital touch to enhance intimacy and strengthen your bond. I tried suggesting this to my partner, but she flat out refused. She later said that once the HRT started working that she wished we had done this. It’s extremely hard to get through to somebody who is a tired, confused, and depressed mess of a human being. So, you may just have to weather the storm as best you can.
Prioritize Emotional Connection:
Focus on building emotional intimacy and connection in your relationship by engaging in meaningful conversations, shared activities, and expressions of affection. Show appreciation, empathy, and understanding toward your partner's feelings and experiences, fostering a sense of closeness and trust. Cooking together is an excellent way to bond as it ties back to the days of men being hunter/gatherers. We got a Hello Fresh subscription and took time to cook meals together. We also found that playing board and video games as family were a good way to reconnect. However, again, this was all as the HRT started working. There’s an excellent co-op game on Playstation called “It Takes Two” that she really enjoyed playing with me. And it was all about a couple going through relationship issues. I’d loved to have finished it with her just to find out what happened. If she is isolating herself from the rest of the world as well as you, try to nudge her into going for a nice walk somewhere. See if she wants to hold hands. Physical touch is an incredible aphrodisiac, and non-sexual contact can be just as thrilling if done correctly.
Seek Professional Guidance:
Encourage your partner to seek professional guidance from a healthcare provider or sex therapist if decreased libido persists or causes distress. A trained professional can provide personalized recommendations, therapy, or interventions to address underlying issues and promote sexual well-being. If you can afford to go private in the UK, then you may be able to get access to testosterone which I will talk about another time. I’ve heard excellent things about this. BUPA also do a menopause specific care plan for a fairly reasonable price. Where you get a personal plan and may get access to forms of HRT not available on the NHS. For countries other than the UK, do some research and see if you can find similar plans/treatments that may help.
Practice Patience and Understanding:
Be extremely patient, understanding, and supportive as your partner deals with these changes in libido and sexual desire. Avoid pressuring or criticizing her for her feelings or responses, and instead, focus on creating a supportive environment that honours her needs and preferences. Good communication is absolutely key. It isn’t going to get you any at the moment. But once it’s all over, it is going to be very much appreciated. And may be the difference between staying in the relationship or breaking up.
Enhance Physical Comfort:
Use lubricants to reduce discomfort during sexual activity. Create a comfortable and stress-free environment for intimacy.
Maintain Physical Health:
Encourage a healthy lifestyle, including regular exercise, a balanced diet, and adequate hydration. Participate in physical activities together to strengthen your bond.
Stay Positive:
Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and the deep emotional connection you share. Practice gratitude and celebrate the strengths of your partnership.
Respect Her Boundaries:
Understand and respect your partner's boundaries and comfort levels. Avoid pressuring your partner into sexual activity.
Potential Treatments
Lifestyle Changes:
Exercise: Encourage regular physical activity, which can boost mood and energy levels, improve circulation, and increase overall well-being.
Healthy Diet:
Promote a balanced diet rich in vitamins and minerals that support hormonal health, such as foods high in phytoestrogens (soy, flaxseed), omega-3 fatty acids (fish, walnuts), and antioxidants (berries, leafy greens).
Vaginal Lubricants and Moisturizers:
Water-Based Lubricants: Products like K-Y Jelly or Astroglide can help reduce discomfort during intercourse.
Vaginal Moisturizers:
Regular use of products like Replens can help maintain vaginal moisture and comfort.
Hormone Replacement Therapy:
I’ll be making separate videos for HRT. It does work and will improve her sex drive. Although it may be more difficult for her to achieve orgasm in future. For now I’m going to mention the one form of HRT that isn’t readily available for women in most countries of the world:
Testosterone:
Although people often think that women have Estrogen and men have Testosterone this is in fact, a myth. Both sexes have both hormones. Just in different levels. Testosterone is extremely important for women as well as men. If you can get a healthcare provider to prescribe testosterone this will make a huge difference to your partners energy levels, focus, and libido. Most don’t, so it’s a lottery depending on where you live. Kinda crazy that doctors routinely replace only two of the three hormones that women lose during menopause. Unfortunately, going private may be the only way you can get this amazing hormone.
Non-Hormonal Medications:
Ospemifene (Osphena):
An oral medication that helps with vaginal dryness and pain during intercourse by mimicking estrogen’s effects on vaginal tissue.
DHEA (Prasterone):
A vaginal suppository that can help with vaginal atrophy and dryness.
Natural Supplements:
Black Cohosh:
An herbal supplement often used to relieve menopausal symptoms, including mood swings and hot flashes, which can indirectly affect libido.
Ginseng:
Known for its potential to improve energy levels and libido.
Maca Root:
Often used to enhance sexual desire and energy.
Mushroom Complex:
My ex started taking one that specifically had Lions Mane in it, on the advice of a Facebook page. She was herself within a couple of weeks. She hasn’t made any changes to her supplements since then in case it reverses the effect. So we will never know if it helped her significantly or just happened to coincide with the HRT starting to work. But it’s definitely worth considering.
Mind-Body Techniques:
Yoga and Meditation
These practices can reduce stress and anxiety, improve mood, and enhance overall well-being, potentially positively impacting libido.
Mindfulness:
Focused techniques that help individuals become more aware of their body and sensations, improving intimacy and sexual enjoyment.
Sex Therapy and Counselling:
Individual Therapy:
Can help address personal issues related to menopause and self-esteem.
Couples Therapy:
Helps improve communication and intimacy between partners, addressing sexual and emotional needs. I wish I’d insisted on this sooner, so we could have worked on our issues together.
Explore Different Types of Touch:
Experiment with non-sexual touch, such as massages, to maintain physical connection.
Schedule Intimate Time:
Plan time for intimacy, reducing pressure and creating an opportunity for connection without the expectation of sex. My ex was always very irritated by me planning any form of intimacy. It had to be “spontaneous”. Not easy when they have a 10 year old. Every woman is different, so assess whether this is a good idea or not by chatting to her about it.
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Enhance the Romantic Environment:
Create a relaxing and romantic atmosphere in your home with candles, soft music, and comfortable bedding.
Over-the-Counter Products:
Vaginal Dilators:
These can help maintain vaginal elasticity and comfort.
Clitoral Stimulators:
Devices that can enhance arousal and sensitivity, making sexual activity more enjoyable.
By exploring these remedies, you can possibly help your partner manage her decrease in libido and hopefully enhance both physical comfort and emotional intimacy in your relationship. But there are absolutely no guarantees with this one. So you’re going to have to give it your best. I hope some of these strategies are helpful to you because I have absolutely felt your pain!
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For the next section we'll look at fatigue during menopause and explore ways to promote energy and vitality in your relationship.