THE
MENOPAUSE SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR...MEN
LOSS OF ROMANTIC FEELINGS
​
Remember when I assumed that you are probably distressed and feel that your relationship, mental health, or both, are in a bad place?
That’s because THIS!....This! was the worst thing to happen! And I know that it is WAY more common than anybody is willing to admit!
So I am once again going to remind you that:
There is hope! You CAN get through this as a loving couple.
Let’s get into it…
Understanding Changes in Romantic Feelings:
Menopause can bring about changes in women's romantic feelings and desires, affecting their perceptions of intimacy, connection, and partnership. While every woman's experience is unique, some may notice shifts in their romantic attraction, libido, and emotional connection with their partners.
My ex kept this secret. I could sense something, but I believed her when she said that it was just the symptoms that made her not want to touch me. To not want to hug or kiss me. It was the symptoms that had put her off sex, and caused her to suddenly be annoyed by my very existence.
…but it wasn’t just that! I remember towards the end feeling absolutely awful about myself. Everything seemed to remind me of the way I was being treated. We watched the movie Priscilla, and I was like, shit…that’s what I am being treated like! I genuinely felt like the traditionally female character in a movie whose spouse neglects and ignores them.
I felt so emasculated.
To make things worse, she did drop a couple of comments towards the end. I would ask about her not wanting to touch me and she would say there's a black hole where my feelings for you used to be, or words to that effect. But then she would say nice things and say I love you and I figured it was just her being melodramatic, and I convinced myself that she was describing the physical need being gone. Not the actual love.
By this time, I felt utterly worthless.
I felt so angry that this person who had been so loving was now treating me no better than a work acquaintance. And I couldn’t understand how she could be treating other people the same way she always treated them.
This was exacerbated by her withdrawing and isolating herself from me. Changing her mind about me coming over or her coming to mine. Not answering her phone or replying to texts I sent her. The final straw was when she was supposed to call me one evening and didn’t. I called her and told her that every time she did something like this, that it cut me deep. That it was incredibly painful to be treated like this all of the time.
Her response?
I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST FOR EVERYONE IF WE JUST END IT!
And that was when my entire world fell apart. In that moment every hope, dream, and belief I had, just evaporated, and I just didn’t know what to do. I begged and threw logic at her, and she just coldly replied that it wasn’t fair on me and that it was over. Just like that. So cold. So emotionless!
​
So that’s when I started all of my research into things. And I was shocked to find barely any mention of this. Don’t get me wrong, the information is out there. But you’ll be lucky if you find more than a brief sentence or paragraph on it.
How I’ve seen it described in forums and articles is this:
​
Women report that it’s like the blinkers have come off. They can see their partner without the rose tinted glasses of love, and they no longer feel any love for them. All they see is a stranger they feel nothing for.
So what causes this?
​
THE STANDARD ANSWERS ARE:
​
Hormonal Influences:
Hormonal fluctuations influence women's libido, arousal, and sexual satisfaction, which can lead to changes in romantic feelings and desires. Estrogen and testosterone play key roles in regulating sexual function and desire, and declines in these hormones during menopause can affect women's sexual responsiveness and interest in romantic intimacy.
Additionally, fluctuations in mood, energy levels, and physical comfort can impact women's willingness and ability to engage in romantic activities with their partners.
​
Psychological Factors:
Stress, anxiety, depression, and body image concerns can influence women's romantic feelings and sexual satisfaction during menopause. Women may experience increased self-consciousness, insecurity, or performance anxiety related to changes in their bodies, libido, or sexual function, affecting their ability to connect emotionally and physically with their partners. Addressing underlying psychological issues and promoting open communication and mutual support are essential for nurturing intimacy and connection in romantic relationships during menopause.
​
Relationship Dynamics:
Changes in romantic feelings during menopause can affect relationship dynamics between partners, leading to shifts in emotional intimacy, communication, and sexual satisfaction. Partners may need to adapt to each other's changing needs and desires, fostering empathy, flexibility, and understanding in their relationship. Creating a supportive and nurturing environment where both partners feel valued, respected, and appreciated can strengthen the emotional bond and enhance romantic connection during menopause.
​
THESE DO ALL CONTRIBUTE TOWARDS A GENERAL LACK OF INTIMACY. BUT I BELIEVE THAT THERE’S MORE TO IT. AND SOME OTHER ARTICLES DO AS WELL. THE TRUTH IS THAT NOBODY KNOWS FOR SURE.
SO LET’S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT ELSE COULD BE GOING ON HERE…
Firstly, there is something called oxytocin.
This is what’s known as the cuddle hormone. And it’s also often called the “love hormone”. I’m going to go into more detail on hormones and HRT in another section. But just so you know. Certain women seem to have a very low supply of oxytocin during menopause. Which I believe is a contributing factor to many of them falling out of love with their partners.
​
Secondly, we need to understand why menopause is happening. This is a woman’s biological reward for living a certain length of time. This is nature saying you’ve done enough. You’ve given birth and raised your children. Now it’s time to look out for yourself. You no longer need to nurture and care so much. Go out and enjoy life!
Don’t forget, evolution takes millions of years to take place. So changes in society are all well and good, but it takes a long time for evolution to catch up with changes in the human species. Especially when science is allowing us to live longer than we ever have. A woman in her menopausal stages would have had her kids at a young age and raised them by now. If she had survived the normal trials of a life without great healthcare, she’d be close to the natural end of her life. She had done her job of procreating and passing on her genes. So all of the soft, caring, nurturing parts of her personality are going to be blunted.
​
So what do you do if you’re unlucky enough to have a partner who doesn’t love you any more?
​
Foster open and honest communication with your partner about changes in her romantic feelings, desires, and needs. You need to show her that you understand why this is happening, and reassure her, as well as yourself, that this is a natural part of the process.
Deadlines and ultimatums are probably going to have the opposite effect than they would normally. If you say let’s end it, or complain about her treatment of you, chance are she’s going to let you go. It’s better to endure as much as you can if you feel that you can. Women are naturally more socially and emotionally adept. They are experts at hiding the truth and just going along with things. So pushing her to make a decision about your relationship is highly likely to backfire.
​
Just like it did for me.
​
My ex told me that it was a relief to end it as she constantly felt guilty about hiding her feelings from me. If I’d been less anxious and wasn’t constantly trying to elicit emotional and physical contact, things would have gone more smoothly. So you need to be as stoic as possible and just accept that intimacy and romance are gone for now.
​
However, hope is not lost!
If she is able to take HRT, then it is highly probable that her feelings will come back once the hormones are balanced. That’s what happened with my ex. I spent months keeping communications open. Reminding her of what we had together. What we had been like. How close we had been, and how right we had been for each other. And also how well our kids got on with each other, and the respective step parent.
There was one awful phone call where she lost her temper with me and shouted that she hadn’t loved me FOR MONTHS! I remember saying to her that was all the closure I needed and that I was now happy to move on knowing I’d done as much as I could. This seemed to make her change her tune slightly.
​
I then send her a text that basically said I didn’t need anything from her. I didn’t need any physical contact, or intimacy and I was happy to just be there for her and just spend time together and wait to see if the HRT changed anything. She seemed to be extremely receptive after that text.
​
A week or two later, she was even more responsive and admitted that she had been crying uncontrollably about our breakup. I saw this as an opportunity to reignite things, and we eventually met up in a coffee shop and chatted. I genuinely felt like she was just a shell of a human being. She looked absolutely shattered and moved like an old arthritic woman. She didn’t seem to look at me as anything other than as a friend. We agreed to remain friends and see how it went. Afterwards I texted her and said I didn’t think she really wanted me in her life and maybe that was for the best. She called me straight away and persuaded me to just be friends and see how it went. This time she was chasing me, which was a little encouraging. But by now I was a complete mess, hiding how broken I was.
​
After another month or so of this, she suddenly started to seem happier and a bit more vibrant one weekend when we met up for the day to take her daughter out. She was almost herself and it was like something had changed. A little fire had been awoken in her. She laughed and seemed to be more joyful and full of energy. She looked at me like she used to. I’d catch her looking at me with desire and love in her eyes. The weekend after, we chatted late into the night and eventually went to bed together. After that, we were more or less back to normal.
​
I can’t give you all of the answers, because looking back? I feel like me giving her space and walking away probably triggered her to want me back. I know now that she had commitment issues, and that her avoidant personality meant that now she had pushed me away and I left, she needed to pull me back. It all depends on you, your partner, and your relationship. I’d suggest doing the opposite of what you have been doing for a short period of time and seeing if it evokes a rapid change in her attitude towards you.
MOST OF ALL?
​
I’d recommend absolute patience! Don’t push for what you feel you might deserve as a partner. Don’t push for sex, touch, kissing, cuddling, or anything of that nature. If she withdraws, let her. Because otherwise you will simply push her away.
​
You also have to accept that HRT is not a quick fix. It isn’t like a pill that you take to get rid of a hangover. Her hormones need to be balanced again. She has to find exactly the right combination that restores her to her previous levels. Each time HRT is administered, there is a 3 month window that the doctors give it to see if it’s working. There is no way around this. They will start on the lowest possible doses and increase the dosage after 3 months if it isn’t having a significant effect. All in all, it took 11 months from when the sex started to dry up, to us sleeping together and being deeply in love again.
​
Also be aware that if your partner believes that it IS working, they will keep her on that dosage. So you need to tell her if she still isn’t herself. Because SHE doesn’t feel like intimacy right now. Because she is no longer having some of the main symptoms. Because she is completely unaware of how cold she has become. She may think it’s working. So you have to be outspoken and tell her.
My ex said it was like being in a bubble where she didn’t realise how depressed she was. Also be aware that any anti-depressants she is taking will have an effect on her libido as well. So you need to tell her all of the things you are seeing. I had to push mine to go to the doctor again, because lethargy is also a common symptom. She often wouldn’t help herself because she simply couldn’t bring herself to bother.
​
One of the best things I did was ask her to listen to old voice clips we had sent one another in the past. It reminded her of how happy and full of life she was. This spurred her to go back to the doctor and ask for an increase. That last dose took two months to work, but she was finally herself again. Or so I thought! She wasn't the same person any more. Her brain chemistry had changed and she was less tolerant or understanding. As soon as we had a big bust up, she was happy for it to end. She was slightly colder in general, and she had less sympathy or understanding. She was more pragmatic about it, and seemed to want to spend more time with her friends than having romance in her life.
​
You live, you learn. I'll be sure to move on a lot quicker in future. But each woman is different, so this may not be the case for you. Just be aware that the woman you have fought so hard for may have changed slightly, OR a lot!
So…the standard answers you’ll get online for this issue are as follows:
​
Emotional Support:
Be a source of emotional support, reassurance, and encouragement for your partner as she navigates changes in romantic feelings during menopause. Offer unconditional love, acceptance, and affirmation, reassuring your partner that you value and cherish her for who she is beyond physical appearance or sexual performance. Practice empathy, patience, and flexibility in your relationship, recognising that menopause is a shared journey that requires mutual understanding and support.
​
Exploring New Forms of Intimacy:
While changes in romantic feelings and desires during menopause can present challenges, they can also create opportunities for exploring new forms of intimacy, connection, and pleasure with partners. Couples can experiment with alternative forms of physical intimacy, such as sensual massage, cuddling, or erotic touch, to maintain emotional closeness and sexual satisfaction without pressure or expectations. Fostering emotional intimacy, trust, and communication can deepen the bond between partners and enhance relationship satisfaction during menopause.
​
Seek Professional Help:
If changes in romantic feelings significantly impact your relationship or your partner's well-being, consider seeking professional help from a therapist, counsellor, or sex therapist specialising in menopause and relationship issues. Professional counselling can provide couples with tools, strategies, and support to address communication barriers, resolve conflicts, and enhance intimacy and connection in their relationship.
Educate Yourself:
Take the time to educate yourself about menopause, sexual health, and relationship dynamics to better understand your partner's experiences and needs. Learn about the physiological and psychological changes that occur during menopause and how they can impact romantic feelings, desires, and satisfaction. By gaining knowledge and insight into menopause and its effects on relationships, you can better support and empower your partner through this transformative phase of life.
​
These are all valid points but I believe the ones I have told you about my personal experience may be helpful too.
Finally, I would like to tell you about a particular comment I read in a forum from a lady who had gone through the menopause and fallen out of love with her husband…
​
…it had now been six years since their divorce. She had reached menopause. And she now deeply regretted divorcing her husband. He was once again a happily married, and she felt incredibly lonely and sad that she had lost “such a wonderful man”.
​
Tell your partner this story.
She needs to know that even though she doesn’t see or feel it right now, there is a very good chance that she will bitterly regret losing you one day.
​
…and just remember. YOUR mental health is equally important. If you feel that this is all getting too much for you, take some space for yourself. Visit a doctor and explain how low you are feeling. I know that a lot of men are wary of seeing the doctor, or admitting how they are feeling.
​
So I’ll tell you this: IF I HAD GONE TO THE DOCTORS AND ASKED FOR HELP I AM CONVINCED THAT I WOULD STILL BE WITH MY PARTNER!
​
BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE I AM NOW ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND I FEEL GREAT AND I’M DATING AGAIN AND HAPPY.
​
It isn’t all black and white. If you lose her, you lose her. One door closes and it really hurts. But life goes on and other doors will open up for you. I've also learned that not needing to be part of a partnership is a great way to be. Work on yourself. Learn to enjoy your own company and the company of your friends.
And when you're ready? Go out and have some fun!
​
Another person may feel like they complete you, but if you truly have worked on yourself, you'll feel complete and not need anybody else to make you feel that way. And once you feel that way, it's all gonna come your way anyway. Because you will be happy, confident, and strong again!
And that is a fact!
​
In fact, once I've finished building this website, I'm thinking of doing one on how to date online. Because lot's of men don't seem to get it, and I'd like to help. After all, I've had to rebuild myself from scratch. And things are working out really well for me.
​
So when I said hope, I didn't mean that getting her back is the only way!
Trust me on this. I've come out the other side a MUCH wiser man.
There is a lot of love and fun out there just waiting for you!