THE
MENOPAUSE SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR...MEN
Self Isolation
Understanding Isolation:
Isolation during menopause refers to the experience of feeling disconnected, withdrawn, or socially isolated from others, including partners, friends, and family members. While menopause is often perceived as a purely physiological process, it can also have profound psychosocial implications, including feelings of loneliness, alienation, and disconnection from others.
Understanding the factors contributing to isolation during menopause can help women and their partners address this challenging aspect of the menopausal experience.
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Causes:
Psychological Impact:
Menopause can trigger a range of psychological symptoms, including mood swings, irritability, anxiety, and depression, which can contribute to feelings of isolation and withdrawal from social interactions. Women may feel overwhelmed by the physical and emotional changes associated with menopause, leading them to retreat from social engagements and interpersonal relationships.
Additionally, societal attitudes and misconceptions about menopause may exacerbate feelings of shame, embarrassment, or invisibility, further isolating women during this transitional phase of life.
Cultural Influences:
Cultural beliefs, norms, and taboos surrounding menopause vary widely across different societies and cultures, influencing women's experiences and perceptions of menopause. In some cultures, menopause is celebrated as a natural and empowering stage of life, while in others, it may be stigmatized or pathologized, leading women to conceal their symptoms and suffer in silence. Cultural attitudes toward aging, femininity, and sexuality can also shape women's experiences of isolation during menopause, affecting their sense of identity, self-worth, and social connections.
Relationship Dynamics:
Menopause can have a significant impact on relationship dynamics between partners, family members, and friends, leading to changes in communication patterns, emotional intimacy, and support networks. Partners may struggle to understand or empathize with women's menopausal symptoms, leading to conflict, misunderstandings, or distance in the relationship. Family members and friends may also lack awareness or knowledge about menopause, making it challenging for women to seek support or validation from their social networks.
Coping Mechanisms:
Women may employ various coping mechanisms to manage feelings of isolation during menopause, including seeking social support, engaging in self-care activities, and participating in menopause support groups or online communities. Connecting with other women experiencing similar menopausal symptoms can provide validation, empathy, and practical advice, reducing feelings of isolation and fostering a sense of solidarity and belonging.
Navigating Isolation:
As a partner supporting your woman through menopause, it's essential to approach feelings of isolation with empathy, compassion, and practical support. Here are some tips to try and help her:
Encourage Open Communication: Create a safe and supportive space for your partner to express her feelings, concerns, and experiences during menopause. Start open and honest conversations, active listening, and validate her emotions without judgment or criticism. Be patient, empathetic, and understanding, recognising that menopause can be a challenging and transformative experience for women.
Offer Emotional Support:
Be a source of emotional support, reassurance, and encouragement for your partner as she navigates feelings of isolation during menopause. Validate her experiences, express empathy, and offer practical assistance or companionship to help alleviate loneliness and promote emotional well-being. Encourage her to engage in activities that bring her joy, fulfillment, and connection with others, whether it's spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, or participating in community events.
Seek Professional Help:
If feelings of isolation persist or significantly impact your partner's mental health and well-being, encourage her to seek professional help from a therapist, counselor, or support group specializing in menopause and mental health. Professional counseling can provide women with a safe and confidential space to explore their feelings, develop coping strategies, and learn effective communication skills to navigate relationships and social interactions during menopause.
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I found this to be a particularly distressing symptom to deal with, as I didn't live with my ex. On the normal nights that she would come over to mine, or I would go over to hers, she would start getting a bit strange. She would have had a busy day and be tired, so maybe we could do it another night. Or she had to work late. It became the norm for me to call after work and check that she still wanted me to come over. And she would say something like if you want to. This was extremely hurtful compared to the past, where it would be I can't wait to see you, I'm excited for tonight etc. Then that changed to maybe we shouldn't have a routine any more, and I she would just let me know when she was feeling up to seeing me. Couple this with the lack of intimacy of any kind, and being shouted at, and you can imagine how my self-esteem and confidence took a massive hit.
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Especially when these were evenings where she would be child-free and were traditionally our chance to enjoy one another without worrying about being walked in on etc.
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There was something else that made the situation worse...
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In the early stages of our relationship, after we'd been dating for a good few months and were officially serious, she kept bringing up that she kept an eye on her daughter with location services on her phone. She kept suggesting that we do that so we could keep an eye on each other and check they were okay if anything were to happen. I was initially a bit wary, but as my feelings deepened and I knew I wouldn't be getting up to anything, I figured why not?!
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So when all of these changes in her behaviour happened, I began to get paranoid. I'm not proud of it, but Im sure there are quite a lot of men who would react the same way. Your partner is acting as if she is having an affair, or falling out of love with you. It plays on you. You're seeing all of the red flags that would signify the end of a relationship after all!
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So I began checking where she was. Her routines had now changed. She spent a lot more time visiting friends. She would do the same things every week without fail. Such as taking her daughter to town without me to shop and then have coffee with her friend.
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What really bothered me were the nights where she was child-free and I could see she was home. Is somebody else there? Why doesn't she want to see me tonight? She hasn't answered this text and her daughter is at Brownie's. I sat and stared at that incessantly. Constantly looking for a clue that she was up to something. I think this is a totally natural reaction to all of the little coincidences that added up. And admittedly, they sent me down the wrong path.
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How do I know this? Because I actually drove round, parked where she wouldn't see my car and walked past in a large coat that covered my face that she had never seen me wear. THAT is the extent to which these strange behaviours had got to me.
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She explained to me afterwards that she just didn't feel like she had the energy to have me over and have to talk to me in a meaningful way. She found it easier with friends because she could pretend for a short period of time that she was okay. But with me it was exhausting because I knew her so deeply, and we talked so much. Obviously fatigue had a major contributing factor, and the fact that I was constantly assessing her and trying to advise and help her. She found me exhausting.
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So if your partner is behaving this way, and pulling away and seeming to connect to her friends more, it's just that she is relying on her social network to provide her with support. If she is removing herself from you and your family, it's because she doesn't have the energy to deal with everything. I'm afraid that it's another thing that is going to affect you deeply and that you aren't going to be able to do anything about other than be there for her when she wants you to be.
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Remain strong, and try not to allow yourself to get paranoid. I know it's hard. I've been there! And I'm not proud of my behaviour.
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I'll leave you with a comment I read in a forum once. I don't have it saved anywhere so I'll just give you a brief summary:
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The man explained how his wife had suffered with this issue so much that she used her kid's college funds to buy a separate house from her family during menopause. It was a very sad post, and reading it allowed me to realise how much menopause can affect a woman's psychological stability.
She literally bought another house just to be away from her family and barely stayed in touch. I really hope the guy decided to move on and focus on his own life and his kids.